Hearts and Minds
by lahmrh
Summary: K/S Prime, S/U, eventual K/S Reboot. When the Enterprise encounters a ship caught in the Nexus, their rescue attempt beams aboard someone unexpected; Kirk Prime. Kirk and Spock must then confront what their counterparts' relationship means for their own.
1. Prologue

Many thanks to my beta - secret_chord25 on livejournal.

Since TOS and Reboot use different stardates, I've gone with the latter (mainly because they actually make sense). And, in an attempt to make things slightly less confusing, NuKirk is Kirk and Kirk Prime is Jim. Kinda wish I could do that with the two Spocks.

**Prologue**

_If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I._

– _Michel de Montaigne_

Spock stands on the bridge of the _Enterprise_. Generally passengers are not allowed on the bridge, but Kirk had insisted on making an exception for him, and Spock is glad of it. To be on the bridge of the original _Enterprise_ again is a gift without measure, even if it is tinged with pain. It is difficult to watch the younger versions of his friends go about their duties; difficult not to react whenever someone makes reference to 'Captain Kirk'.

The ship is a curious blend of the familiar and the unfamiliar. In another lifetime, he had served on the _Enterprise_ for many years - first under Captain Pike, and then under Jim. Over the years he has seen many changes to the ship, but it has never looked like this. Several times now he has found himself in the wrong place because he was relying on his memories rather than learning the new floor plan. This _Enterprise_ is less than a year old, whereas the one he had served on for so many years would have been thirteen years old by now. As a result it is much more technologically advanced, but of course nowhere near as advanced as the other ship named _Enterprise_ he had been on, briefly, 129 years in the future.

He watches the bridge crew go about their business. They are currently en route to Babel, where Spock will take part in a conference to decide the fate of the new Vulcan colony. Even after everything that has happened, he is still an ambassador.

He had weighed the decision about whether to reveal his true identity, and had decided that he would not be able to keep it a secret indefinitely – he has spent too much time around other species to control his emotions to the extent that other Vulcans are used to. At some point they would doubtless have discovered that he is half-human, and there would have been no non-time-travel explanation. He has vowed not to make any major changes to the timeline, but there is little he could do that would affect it more than what has already occurred.

It has been 8.9 months since Nero's destruction of Vulcan. Spock wonders sometimes if the loss affected him to the same extent as the others. He had grieved, of course, for the billions that were lost, and slowly attempted to deal with the illogical guilt that he had, however indirectly, caused such a tragedy. But unlike the other survivors, he had not lost family or loved ones; had lost a planet, but not a home. In his own reality, Vulcan had not been his home for decades; Spock is not convinced it ever had been. It had ceased to be his home so thoroughly that when he had gone to them asking for help with averting the destruction of Romulus, they had very nearly not allowed him back.

Presumably Vulcan still exists in that timeline, but Spock mostly avoids thinking about it. There is no way to get back to his own reality, and even if there were, what would be the point? Either way, everyone he cared about is gone, and he is alone. It is difficult to accept that this is where his quest to reunite Vulcan and Romulus has led: in one timeline, Romulus destroyed; in another, Vulcan. He had been so close, and now the two races are about as far from unification as it is possible to get.

Spock suddenly feels very old and tired.

Being surrounded by these young versions of his old friends makes everything a little harder. He studies them, these people who, in another lifetime, had willingly risked their lives to save him. Even half-Vulcans live a great deal longer than humans, and he had watched as all of his crewmates aged and died: McCoy; Sulu; Uhura; Chekov. Montgomery Scott had been the last, 4.7 years before Spock had travelled back in time.

But it is Jim, of course, who is the hardest. Jim, who had left one day to tour the new _Enterprise – B_, promising to return soon, and had never come home. Jim, who had left a hole in Spock's life, and his heart, that has never fully healed. Over the years the pain had faded, but it had all come flooding back when he had rescued a young man on Delta Vega, and found himself staring into a face so familiar that for a moment he had wondered if he were dreaming.

Later, he had calculated the odds of their unexpected meeting, and had not been surprised at the improbability of it. If it had been anyone else, perhaps he would have been, but the two of them had always been able to find each other, even against all odds. This is a different James Kirk, but the principle is the same.

He regrets, sometimes, that it had become necessary to meld with the younger Jim. If it hadn't been, he thinks he could have fooled himself, even taking into account the startling colour of the human's eyes. But once their minds had touched, he had known instantly that although the young man before him was James Tiberius Kirk, he was not _Jim_; would _never_ be Jim.

He can still remember what Kirk had said to him when they had first met. _If you really were Spock, you'd know we're not friends. At all. You _hate_ me. _The idea of a Jim Kirk and Spock who hated each other was so foreign to everything that he knew, and he had wondered what could have possibly happened to have set them against each other.

There is a common belief that Vulcans do not lie. Half-Vulcans, however, have more freedom than most. Spock had learned well, over the years, how to deceive without ever speaking an untruth, and it was a skill he had put to use in an attempt to heal the rift between the Kirk and Spock of this reality. And, it seems, it has worked.

He does not wish to influence the path of the younger Jim and Spock's relationship; he does not have that right. He had promised himself that convincing this younger Spock to stay with the _Enterprise_ would be his last act of interference. Perhaps he should not have done even that much, but he could not allow his counterpart to live a life that did not include James Kirk. He has no way of knowing, of course, whether his younger self's relationship with Jim Kirk will mirror his own – it had, after all, taken him and Jim _years_ to reach that level of intimacy – but even if it doesn't, they need each other. This, he is certain of.

He watches them, now; captain and first officer, just as before. He cannot help but remember Edith Keeler's words from a lifetime ago. _You? At his side, as if you've always been there and always will._

One thing he did not expect is his counterpart's relationship with Lieutenant Uhura. In his own universe, Nyota Uhura had been a valued colleague and trusted friend, but never more than that. He had not bothered to think of such things while he was still bonded to T'Pring, and once he had been free to choose, he had chosen Jim. But this universe is different; T'Pring is dead, lost with the planet, and so the younger Spock is free in a way he himself had not been.

He ignores the voice in the back of his mind that tells him it isn't meant to be like this. If it is meant to happen, it will happen, and if it is not meant to happen, his interference will not help. He had told his younger self to put aside logic and do what felt right – a sentiment that his old friend McCoy would quite possibly have fainted from shock to hear him express – and if that leads him down a different path than Spock himself had chosen, he will not interfere. His counterpart must be free to make his own choices, and his own mistakes.

But it is difficult, when he looks at them, not to remember another universe where they had been everything to each other.


	2. Chapter 1 Reunion

The first part of this chapter is based on the first part of _Generations_ - except with a fully equipped _Enterprise_. Also, if you haven't yet read about the Kirk Prime pendant thing, do so. (Google 'star trek william shatner pendant' or something to that effect.) Y'know, in other fandoms they actually have to _make this stuff up_.

**Chapter 1 – Reunion**

"Message from Starfleet Command, Captain." Uhura leans over her console, listening intently. She looks up. "It's from Admiral Pike."

"On screen," Kirk orders.

Spock's hands tighten involuntarily on the handrail. Dealing with the alternate version of Christopher Pike is not quite as difficult as dealing with the alternate version of Jim, but it is still a strain. In another lifetime, he had willingly risked his career, his _life_, for this man – committing mutiny against his closest friend in the process.

Admiral Pike's face appears on the viewscreen. He scans the bridge, and stops when he sees Spock. "Ambassador. I didn't expect to see you here."

Spock suddenly realises that he actually _isn't_ meant to be here. "I can leave, if you wish."

Kirk turns in his chair. "Don't." Turning back, he addresses Pike. "He can stay, right?"

"I don't see why not," Pike replies, shrugging. "To get to the point, we've received a distress signal from the _USS_ _Archimedes_ – it's a science vessel. They're currently patrolling an area of space about 0.2 light-years from your position and have apparently encountered some kind of energy ribbon. The information should be coming through now."

Spock feels shock run through him. _It can't be_.

"The _Enterprise_ is the only starship in this area with the capabilities to attempt a rescue," Pike continues.

"What about the Babel conference?" Kirk asks, frowning.

"Starfleet is hopeful that this won't interfere with your existing mission."

Kirk nods. "And even if it does, we can't just leave them." He looks round at Spock. "Right?"

Spock nods, struck once more with how much the young man resembles _his _Jim. Kirk turns back to face Pike. "Chekov, plot a course."

"Aye, sir."

Pike smiles. "Good luck, Jim."

"Thank you, sir." The viewscreen goes blank before being replaced by the familiar view of stars.

Kirk sits back in his chair. "Sulu, maximum warp."

- - - - - -

The first notice the crew gets that they are getting close to the anomaly is that the ship begins to shake suddenly. Spock grabs onto the handrail tightly and manages to remain upright. Some of the _Enterprise_ crewmembers are not so lucky; Spock, at least, has decadesof experience of being flung about in situations just like this. When the ship stabilises, he lets go and looks around.

"Raise shields!" Kirk barks from the captain's chair as red alert sirens begin to blare. "What the hell was that?"

"Severe gravimetric disturbance," the younger Spock reports, looking up from the scanner. "We appear to have encountered the energy ribbon."

"On screen."

The moment the phenomenon appears on the viewscreen, Spock is certain that he is right. After his own Jim's death – or what they had all believed to be his death – Spock had read every scrap of information about the Nexus ribbon that he could lay his hands on, wanting to know what it was that had robbed him of the most important person in his life. Decades later, after speaking to then-Captain Picard, he had renewed the search, this time more out of regret. The idea that Jim had been out there, somewhere, and he had not _known_…. Spock is certain that there is no one in any universe who knows more about this phenomenon than he does.

"Captain, I am detecting lifesigns," his counterpart announces from the science station. "There appears to be a ship caught within the anomaly."

"That'll be the _Archimedes_," Kirk says. "Can we get a tractor beam on them?"

"Negative. Not at this distance."

Spock moves round to the side of the captain's chair.

"Uhura, attempt to contact them. Sulu, get us closer to that thing."

"Aye, sir," both Sulu and Uhura reply, swiftly getting to work.

Kirk finally looks at him. "Have you ever seen anything like this?"

"No," Spock answers truthfully. "But I believe I know what it is."

Kirk blinks at him. "Well, don't keep us in suspense."

Spock takes a breath. "It is known as the Nexus. The energy ribbon gifts individuals trapped inside it with their greatest desires. Time and space have no meaning. Decades could pass outside, while for those on the inside it has only been a few days." He pauses. "The people on that ship are unlikely to thank you for rescuing them."

Kirk considers that for a moment, then sets his jaw. "Well, they can hate me, because I'm not leaving them." He turns in the direction of the science console. "Commander Spock, how long until we're in range?"

"At present speed, 57 seconds."

"Chekov, ready the tractor beam," Kirk orders.

"Standing by, Keptain."

"In range now."

Chekov fiddles with the controls. "Got zem. Bringing zem in now, sir."

"The ship appears to be breaking up," the younger Spock reports. "Apparently our tractor beam has destabilised them."

Kirk thumbs a button on his armrest. "Scotty, are the transporters functional?"

"Aye, ready on your mark," Scott responds.

"I want you to start beaming out the crew of that ship, as quickly as possible."

"Aye, sir."

Kirk turns back to Spock. "So how do you know about this Nexus thing, anyway?"

"The answer will take some time. Perhaps we could discuss it later?" Spock is trying very hard not to think of one particular fact about the Nexus that Picard had mentioned. Hope is illogical, especially this kind of hope.

"You mean when we're not in a red alert situation? Where's the fun in that?" Kirk grins and turns in his seat. "How long until the ship breaks apart?"

"I estimate no more than a minute, Captain."

"Shields at seventy-eight percent," Chekov reports.

"Hold it steady, Mr Sulu," Kirk orders.

There are a few tense moments before the younger Spock reports, "The ship has been destroyed."

Kirk pauses before contacting the transporter room. "Scotty?"

"Eighteen, sir. That's all we could get, I'm afraid."

"Eighteen out of forty-two," Kirk mutters.

The ship lurches. "Shields at fifty-four percent," Chekov announces.

"Sulu, get us away from this thing!" Kirk orders.

"I can't, sir! We seem to be stuck."

Now this bit Spock does remember. "Fire photon torpedoes. They should disrupt the field enough for you to escape the pull of the Nexus."

Kirk doesn't even hesitate before giving the order. "Chekov, fire photon torpedoes."

"Firing!"

The ship begins to move, and it seems like the entire bridge crew heaves a breath of relief.

"Sulu, get us away from here, warp factor one." Kirk says.

"Warp factor one, sir."

When they are at a safe distance, Kirk cancels the red alert and orders Doctor McCoy to meet him in the transporter room. He rises from his seat, moving towards the turbolift. "Spock, Ambassador, with me. Sulu, you have the conn."

"Aye aye, sir."

In the turbolift, Kirk turns to Spock pointedly. "So, are you going to tell us how you know about this Nexus thing?"

"I'm unsure of how much I can tell you without revealing details of your future."

Kirk frowns. "Try."

"Very well. In my timeline, the Nexus ribbon was first encountered on stardate 2293.276."

Kirk's brow furrows. "That's more than thirty years in the future."

"Yes. I am unsure why it has happened now – perhaps the red matter is responsible." He pauses, shutting off the emotions at everything else for which the red matter is responsible. "The situation was much the same then as now: two ships caught in the ribbon and another sent to rescue them. One ship was destroyed with all aboard, the other remained intact long enough for 47 lives to be saved, out of 150." He meets Kirk's eyes. "Several of these did not wish to be rescued. As I have mentioned, the Nexus allowed them to experience their deepest desires."

"But it is merely an illusion. Surely they would rather have had reality?" The younger Spock finally speaks up.

"Some would much rather live in a fabricated world in which they are happy than a real one in which they are not." There are times when, illusion or no, the Nexus sounds an attractive possibility. If he were offered the chance to regain everything he has lost, Spock is not certain he would be strong enough to resist.

Their discussion is cut off as they reach the correct floor. When they enter the transporter room, they are confronted with a scene of absolute chaos. The people that were beamed over from the _Archimedes_ appear to be solely human. Their behaviour varies wildly – some are yelling and gesticulating; some are staring around curiously; some are almost catatonic.

And then Spock's eyes fall on a man standing near the back of the room, and his heart stops.

For a moment he is frozen, unable to move, his mind filled with thoughts that this isn't real, that he is going mad. Because standing on the other side of the room is Jim Kirk. Not the younger version, who is currently assisting Doctor McCoy with examinations, but _his_ Jim. And then their eyes meet, and the look of shock on the other man's face forces Spock into action.

He moves forward quickly, barely noticing as he brushes past the crew of the doomed ship. Within seconds they are face-to-face, and Jim is looking at him with an expression of wonder.

"Spock. Is it really you?"

Spock reaches out and trails a hand down Jim's cheek. It is _real_, he is really _here_, this is _really happening_. He can't quite believe it, but there is one way to know for certain. He settles his fingers on the meld points. "May I?"

Jim is still staring at him. "You don't have to ask."

And with that, he presses forward, into Jim's mind. It is nothing like melding with the younger version; all bright colours and sharp edges. This is warm, and safe, and achingly familiar, and a wave of pure joy and love washes over him. _Jim._ _How is this possible?_

_I don't know. I was talking to this guy – Jean-Luc Picard. He said he was captain of the _Enterprise_, and that he needed my help. I remember wishing I could see you again, and the next thing I knew I was here. _There is the mental impression of a frown. _He said 80 years had passed. Is that true? You certainly seem older._

_Longer than that, t'hy'la. It has been 94 years since you left for the _Enterprise-B_. Or negative 35 years, depending on how you wish to count._

_I don't understand._

_I will show you. _Spock concentrates on his memories; the same ones he had shown the younger Jim Kirk. When they get to the destruction of Vulcan, the compassion and sympathy flowing through the meld is almost overwhelming. Then he shows Jim the meeting with his counterpart.

_An alternate universe. Created by time-travel._

_Yes. The current stardate is 2258.308._

_So that's what you meant about the dates. _The mental frown again. _Picard did mention that the Nexus could take a person to any time or place they wanted. I guess it can do realities as well. _

Then, teasingly, _So, a younger version of me. You weren't even a little tempted?_

It is impossible to lie in a mindmeld. _Briefly,_ Spock admits. _But once I touched his mind...._

Amusement. _Are you saying you love me for my mind, Mister Spock?_

_I love every part of you, Jim._

Spock wants nothing more than to stay here forever, but there are things that need to be dealt with. _I must end the meld. _

_Wait. The bond. _Pain, confusion._ It's broken. You have to fix it. _

_I shall certainly try._ He delves deeper into Jim's mind until he finds what he is searching for; a golden thread with one end drifting aimlessly. Very carefully, he locates the matching thread in his own mind and joins them together before easing out of the meld. The rush of joy he feels at the continuing presence in the back of his mind is too big for his currently fragile controls.

"You're smiling," Jim says with a kind of awe.

"The cause is sufficient," Spock tells him, not bothering to stop himself. He has lived for so long without the other half of his soul that he had almost forgotten what it feels like to be _whole._

Jim looks past him at the rest of the room. "We appear to be attracting some attention."

Spock schools his expression into some semblance of neutrality and turns around. Jim is right: several people are staring at them.

Kirk and the younger Spock approach at that moment. "Do you two know each other?" Kirk asks with evident interest.

Before Spock can answer, Jim holds out his hand with a grin. "Captain James T. Kirk; pleased to meet you."

Kirk stares for a moment. "Funny - that was going to be my line."

"This is the James Kirk from my reality," Spock tells him.

Kirk blinks. "Okay; _this_ is going to be tough to explain to Starfleet…."

"I was under the impression that the James Kirk of your reality was dead," the younger Spock cuts in.

_So was I._

_What, you're the only one who gets to come back from the dead?_

Spock shoots Jim a look and then turns to address his counterpart. "I believed he was. He was trapped in the Nexus many years ago. In our reality, he left to assist in a rescue operation, but an echo was apparently left inside. And when your transporters beamed out the crew of that ship, Jim was brought with them."

The younger Spock raises an eyebrow. "Fascinating."

Spock feels a wave of amusement through the bond. _He's definitely you._

Kirk looks between Jim and Spock a few times and then sighs. "Is anyone_ else_ from your universe going to stop by? Because no offense to Bones, but one of him is enough."

As if summoned by name, McCoy chooses that moment to wander over to them and start scanning Jim with his tricorder. "I sent the injured ones to sickbay, but we still have about a dozen people to deal with. Any ideas what we're going to do with them?" He studies the readings. "You're fine."

Kirk looks at where the remaining refugees are standing in a group. "I'll get someone to organise accommodation, then contact Starfleet. I'm assuming we'll drop them off at the nearest starbase." He frowns and looks at the younger Spock. "Which is?"

"Starbase fourteen, Captain."

"Starbase fourteen, then." He turns to Jim. "What about you?"

McCoy interrupts, "What do you mean, what about him? Isn't he going with the rest of them?"

Kirk looks amused. "Bones, he's not with them. This" - he gestures at Jim - "is Captain James T. Kirk. He's from the other reality."

McCoy looks at Jim suspiciously. "Are we sure about that?"

"My counterpart has vouched for his identity," the younger Spock cuts in frostily. "It was, naturally, the first thing we checked."

"You can do a DNA scan if you want," Kirk adds.

There's silence for a few moments as McCoy does just that. "DNA's a match." He looks from Kirk to Jim and back again, and then shakes his head. "As if one of you wasn't enough."

"To get back to your question," Jim interjects, "I'd like to stay with Spock."

Kirk nods. "Okay. You'll probably have to share a room, anyway – we only have a few spare ones."

"That won't be a problem," Jim assures him.

_You didn't tell them about us._

_I didn't want to influence the path of their relationship._

_I take it they're not...._

_No. But they have only known each other for 8.9 months._ He decides to leave the discussion of Lieutenant Uhura until later.

"If you do not mind, we will return to my cabin," Spock says to the captain. "Jim and I have much to discuss."

"Yeah, sure." Kirk turns to address Jim. "I'll come by later, if that's okay?" He grins. "It's not every day you get to meet yourself."

"It's not exactly a common occurrence for me either," Jim replies, then glances at Spock. "Shall we go?"

Once they have left their younger selves behind, Jim turns to him with a grin. _How about we save the discussion for later?_

Spock raises his eyebrows. _An excellent suggestion._

They don't touch again until they are inside Spock's quarters, both certain that once they touch they will not be able to stop. Spock only just has the presence of mind to set the door lock before they are kissing passionately and pulling off their clothes. Jim gently pushes him in the direction of the bed, and Spock goes willingly. It has been a very long time since he has done this, the seven year cycle aside.

He can feel Jim's love and desire in every touch and, after being separated for almost a century, the sensation is overwhelming. He tries to hold out for as long as possible, to make it last, but it is not long before pleasure floods through him. And it is not long after that that Jim gasps and collapses on top of him. "I love you," he mumbles.

Spock runs a hand through Jim's hair. "And I you, t'hy'la. It has been… so very long."

Jim shifts until they are lying side by side. "I'm sorry," he says, running a hand down Spock's arm. "I never meant to leave you. If I'd known what would happen, I would've told Starfleet to go screw themselves."

"I should have been there. I should have looked for you," Spock insists. Guilt shoots through him.

Jim moves his hand up to Spock's face. "Don't think like that. You had no reason to think I was alive. The bond was broken, right?"

Spock nods, but the guilt doesn't diminish, and he is aware that Jim can feel it. "You had no reason to think that I could be saved. It didn't stop you."

"That was a completely different situation." He looks straight into Spock's eyes; it is reassuring to see warm hazel instead of ice blue. "I don't blame you. And you need to stop blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault."

Spock realises that he is not just referring to the current situation, and the guilt that has eaten away at him finally begins to lift.

Jim smiles. "I don't know about you, but I could use a shower."

Spock can't resist a small smile of his own. "Yes," he agrees.

Jim pokes him in the ribs. "You know very well what I mean." He climbs off the bed, and holds out a hand as Spock sits up.

They are getting dressed afterwards when something falls out of Spock's robes. Jim picks it up and Spock watches as his expression changes from curiosity to amazement.

"This is…." He turns to Spock, holding up the pendant. "I can't believe you still have it."

"You gave it to me," Spock says.

Jim looks down at the pendant again. "Yeah. But it's been almost a century. You really kept it with you all this time?"

"You gave it to me," Spock repeats. "It was all I had left."

When Jim looks up, his eyes are shining. "Does it still work?"

Spock nods. Carefully, he takes the pendant from Jim's hand and activates the hologram. Spock has lost count of how many times he has watched this message over the years. When it finishes, Jim moves forward and wraps his arms around Spock. "We never did get to grow old together, did we?"

"It seems we have been given a second chance," Spock replies softly, returning Jim's embrace. They stand there motionless for a moment before Jim pulls away and, taking hold of Spock's hand, drags him over to sit on one of the beds.

"It's been a long time," Jim says, carefully fastening the pendant back around Spock's neck. "I'd understand if you found someone else."

"There was never anyone but you," Spock tells him. "Although my father was quite insistent that I marry again. In the end, Saavik and I came to an agreement."

"Saavik? Really?" Jim asks in surprise.

Spock nods. "My first time after the accident on the _Enterprise-B_, she came to me. And every seven years after that. It seemed logical to continue the arrangement."

Jim frowns. "So that first time… what would you have done if she hadn't helped you?"

Spock remains silent. He can see the instant that recognition dawns.

"You would have done it, wouldn't you? You really would've let yourself die." Jim turns to him, eyes blazing. "For God's sake, Spock, do you think I wanted that?"

Spock wills him to understand. "You are my t'hy'la. I didn't want to be with anyone else."

"And you were prepared to _die_ because of it? Where's the logic in that?" Jim shakes his head. "At least Saavik managed to stop you." He is silent for a moment. "Are you still married to her?"

Spock shakes his head. "She is dead. A shuttle explosion five-point-two years ago. She saved fourteen lives." He feels a stab of pain.

Jim takes his hand and entwines their fingers. "I'm sorry."

Spock nods, lost in thought. For her part, Saavik had seemed content with the situation; had considered it logical. She was considered a part of his family, with all of the power and honour that that implied, and she was free to explore the galaxy as she wished, as long as she returned to him every seven years. It had been an arrangement that suited them both, and they had loved one another, although he had felt guilty that he could never love her the way she had deserved.

"So what're you doing on this ship, anyway?" Jim's voice drags Spock out of his memories.

Spock gratefully latches onto this attempt to change the subject and begins to explain the purpose of the Babel conference.

When he is finished, Jim leans against him companionably. "You know, I seem to recall that your first attempt at diplomacy involved me and Bones being sent to a Klingon prison."

Spock frowns; the situation is not one of his fondest memories. "Doctor McCoy did not stop complaining for some weeks afterward."

Jim looks at him. "Did the peace last, in the end? Was it worth it?"

"Yes. The alliance between the Federation and the Klingon Empire lasted at least until I was sent back in time. By Captain Picard's time there were even Klingons in Starfleet." Spock gazes at him warmly. "You made that happen."

"_We_ made that happen," Jim corrects. "I wish I could've seen it." He sighs, then brightens slightly.

"So. Tell me about our counterparts."


	3. Chapter 2 Changes

**Chapter 2 – Changes**

The crew of the _Archimedes_ are, as the ambassador suggested, not particularly pleased to be saved. Kirk has managed to find rooms for all of them, and those who are well enough have been shown to their quarters.

Kirk learns from the crewmembers that the captain of their ship is dead, along with their first officer. Their current highest commanding crewmember is the chief of security, who agrees to their suggestions listlessly. Kirk wonders what kind of world these people were removed from.

When all of their new passengers are dealt with, Kirk checks with Scotty in engineering and learns that their engines have been damaged by the struggle. It's fixable, but until then, the _Enterprise _is limited to warp four at best. With a sigh, he contacts the bridge and orders Sulu to set a course to Starbase fourteen at warp four, adding a command for Uhura to contact Starfleet and explain the situation. At this rate, they're not going to get the elder Spock to Babel in time for the conference.

Thinking of Spock's counterpart naturally leads to thoughts of his own. It's an incredibly odd sensation to meet yourself; he's beginning to see why Spock tends to avoid his counterpart. Kirk is not sure what to make of this image of how he'll look when he's older. He hadn't really imagined ever making it to that kind of age; he's still kind of shocked that he's made it _this_ far. The older him is rather larger round the middle than Kirk would prefer, but overall, if this is what his future holds, it's not _so_ bad.

He smiles a little. His and Spock's counterparts had seemed so happy to see one another. The elder Spock was even smiling slightly - pretty much the Vulcan equivalent of grinning ecstatically. He wonders if he'll ever have that with his Spock. He's been trying to bring the two of them closer together, but their friendship, at present, seems to mostly consist of Spock kicking his ass at chess and bitching him out for almost getting himself killed, sometimes simultaneously. The elder him-and-Spock, on the other hand, had been so close that they could practically read each other's minds.

Kirk suddenly has the urge to talk to his counterpart. Perhaps he can get some tips on how to make the epic friendship that the elder Spock had spoken of a reality.

Checking the time, he finds it's been one and a half hours since they parted ways with their elder selves. He wonders if they've finished their discussion; summing up decades of history has got to take a while. He makes sure that he isn't needed anywhere else, then heads to the ambassador's quarters.

He buzzes for entry, and waits. The door opens after a moment to reveal the elder Spock.

"Hey; I was wondering if I could talk to the other me?"

The ambassador moves aside, allowing Kirk's counterpart to step into view. It's still a difficult image to get used to. "Sure, why not?" he says, smiling. "I want to hear all about this ship."

Kirk turns to the elder Spock. "You don't mind?"

The two older men exchange glances, and again, Kirk gets the feeling like they're communicating in a way he can't see. Then he wonders if maybe that's actually possible, and makes a mental note to ask his own Spock about it.

"I have no objections," the ambassador finally replies. "I shall remain here for the moment."

"Okay; I guess we'll see you later." Kirk takes a step back as his counterpart steps out of the room, then turns and offers the elder Spock the Vulcan salute. Kirk is mildly gratified at the idea that he will, one day, be able to master it. He just hopes it doesn't take until he's his elder self's age.

"Well, lead on, then," Jim says cheerfully as the door to the ambassador's cabin slides closed.

They wander around for a while, discussing the ship and her crew. Kirk notices that they appear to be attracting a few odd looks, which leads him to wonder what exactly he is going to tell everyone – though, given the rate that gossip travels on this ship, it's entirely possible they already know.

At one point, their eyes meet, and Jim frowns. "Your eyes are blue."

"Yeah." Kirk shrugs. "Had them changed when I was sixteen." He looks away. "I got tired of being compared to my dad."

"Yeah, Spock told me about that. I'm sorry."

Kirk shrugs again. "Hey, while we're asking stuff, how come you're shorter than me?" He's noticed a difference of at least a few inches between their heights.

His counterpart just looks at him for a few moments, expression blank, before asking, "Does the name 'Tarsus IV' mean anything to you?"

Kirk racks his brain. "No."

Jim's expression darkens. "Be glad of that."

Kirk really wants to know what he means, but one look at Jim's face convinces him not to ask. He makes a mental note to look it up later and swiftly changes the subject. "Tell me about my father?"

Jim brightens slightly. "What do you want to know?"

Once he starts asking questions, it's almost impossible to stop. His elder self's recollections of their father make Kirk wish even more that he'd had a chance to know him.

In general, talking to his counterpart is both the most interesting and most bizarre experience of Kirk's life. Occasionally they run up against the 'changing the future' excuse, although the way it's delivered makes Kirk think that it's more a warning from the elder Spock than a genuine worry. On the whole, he finds he rather likes this older-and-wiser him.

Kirk waits until they're alone on the observation deck before mentioning Spock. His counterpart seems only too happy to talk about their friendship.

Kirk thinks for a few seconds; what he _wants _to ask is, 'Why did Spock and I start out hating each other and you and the other Spock didn't?' What he _actually_ asks is, "How did you two meet?"

"I was given command of the _Enterprise_; older than you, though. I was 31. He was assigned as my first officer."

"You didn't meet before that?"

"Not that I remember. Why?"

Kirk frowns. He'd just assumed.... "What about the Kobayashi Maru?"

Jim looks confused. "What about it?"

Kirk swallows. "You didn't… reprogram it?"

He gets a grin in response, and relaxes slightly. "You too, huh?" The grin is replaced by a puzzled look. "I don't see what that has to do with Spock, though."

"He didn't program it in your reality?"

"No. Well, yes, but not when I took it." He pauses. "How did he react?"

"He had me court-martialled." The Kobayashi Maru trial is not exactly Kirk's happiest memory. "What happened when you took it?" he asks curiously.

Jim looks slightly sheepish. "I stayed behind afterwards and talked to the guy who programmed it. Once I laid out my reasoning, he actually seemed impressed. Gave me a commendation for original thinking." He sighs. "I'm suddenly a little glad Spock _didn't_ program it."

Kirk stares at him. Typical. His counterpart gets a commendation, and he gets in trouble. At least this explains a little why their friendship had been a little less explosive than his and Spock's. "I suppose he never tried to kill you in your reality," he says, after a moment.

"He did, actually," Jim says, raising his eyebrows. "It's a long story."

As Kirk's about to ask what he means by that, Jim suddenly doubles over, clutching his head. When he looks up, all of the colour has drained from his face.

"Something's wrong," he manages, then turns and rushes out of the room. Kirk follows, finding he has to sprint to keep up. The two of them enter the turbolift at top speed and his counterpart orders it to deck five.

"What's going on?" Kirk pants.

"We have to get to Spock." Jim refuses to give any more information than that.

Within a few moments the doors open and Jim dashes off again. As they round the corner, Kirk spots a figure lying on the floor. As they get closer, he can see that it's the elder Spock, and he looks to be pretty badly injured.

Kirk slams his palm on the nearest communication point. "Captain to Sickbay – we have an emergency on deck five."

His counterpart kneels next to the unconscious Vulcan and shakes his shoulder. "Spock. Spock, can you hear me?" There is no response. "He's bleeding," Jim reports, pulling off his overshirt and pressing it against the ambassador's head.

As Kirk kneels next to him, he notices a streak of green blood on the bulkhead and swallows hard, wondering what could have happened. He has an uncomfortable suspicion that this wasn't an accident. "You knew," he finds himself saying, as they wait for help to arrive. "You knew he was hurt. How?"

"Can we talk about it later?" Jim snaps. He's muttering under his breath, something that sounds like, "Please, no, not now, not again, not like _this_…."

Thankfully a medical team arrives then, and relieves them. They take the ambassador down to sickbay, and Jim goes with them, not taking his eyes off the unconscious body of his friend.

Kirk contacts security to tell them what has happened and order a shipwide search, as well as ordering a guard put on sickbay, just in case. Then, trying not to look at the blood, he gets someone to organise cleanup and heads for the bridge. Kirk finds himself desperately hoping that the elder Spock is going to be okay; he has become particularly fond of the nicer version of his first officer.

Kirk enters the bridge and strides over to where Spock is occupying his chair. His first officer gracefully vacates the seat so that Kirk can sit down, though he hovers at his captain's side.

"Captain, if it is acceptable, I would like to go down to sickbay. I understand my counterpart is injured?"

Kirk nods.

"He may require a blood transfusion. It is therefore logical for me to volunteer." Spock looks away, and Kirk realises that he isn't doing this because of _logic_. Affection rushes through him.

"Go ahead," he says warmly. "We'll manage without you."

Spock nods and turns sharply. Kirk watches him enter the turbolift and disappear, then turns back to the situation at hand. He presses the intercom. "Scotty, how're the engines doing?"

"Still warp four, I'm afraid, Captain. We're workin' on it, but it looks like it'll be a good while yet."

"Contact me the instant they're fixed."

"Aye, sir."

"Kirk out." Kirk cuts the connection, and stares around the bridge. He wants to go down to sickbay, but it's not like there's anything he can do; he'll just be getting in the way.

After a few moments he contacts security.

"Giotto here."

Kirk taps his fingers anxiously against the armrest. "Any news?"

"Not so far, sir. We've got all of the passengers together, but we can't tell so far if any of them are guilty – most of them are acting strangely anyway. We've also got people searching the ship, just in case."

Kirk sighs. "Well, keep it up, and contact me if you find anything."

"Aye aye, Captain."

Kirk decides he can't just sit here any longer. "Sulu, you have the conn. I'll be in sickbay."

"Aye, sir."

Kirk arrives at sickbay several minutes later to find his first officer sitting on a bed. "Hey," he greets. "Did they need you?"

"The doctor has drawn some of my blood as a precautionary measure, but they are waiting to see if it is needed."

At that moment, McCoy appears from a side room. "You're supposedto be lying down," he grumbles at Spock.

"How is he?" Kirk asks.

McCoy's expression is not encouraging. "I don't know, Jim. We've done everything we can, but it's still pretty touch and go. Either he'll wake up on his own, or he won't."

Kirk's heart clenches at the possibility of the elder Spock's death.

"I gotta say, though, you're a stubborn bastard in both universes," McCoy adds, apparently attempting to lighten the mood. "Your counterpart hasn't left the ambassador's side for a second since we brought him in here." He nods towards the door he's just exited.

There's an odd undercurrent to the words, but Kirk ignores it. "They've been apart a long time." Guilt for taking up his elder self's time sweeps through him.

"Have they discovered the identity of the attacker?" Spock asks, changing the subject.

"Not yet." Kirk sighs. "Why would someone do this?"

"Logically there are many reasons for such an attack. We may not know the true reason until my counterpart regains consciousness." Spock frowns, if only slightly; Kirk can't help but focus on the words he isn't saying: 'If_ he regains consciousness.'_

"Can I see him?" Kirk asks abruptly.

McCoy shrugs. "Knock yourself out."

He can hear Spock and McCoy arguing over the illogic of human expressions as he approaches the door. He enters the room and finds his counterpart sitting by the ambassador's bed, holding his hand. He glances up as Kirk approaches, then returns his eyes to the unconscious form. Kirk follows his gaze and is alarmed at how pale and still the elder Spock is.

"He'll be okay," Jim says quietly, after a moment. "He has to be."

"He saved my life, once," Kirk offers.

"And mine. Dozens of times." Jim looks at him. "I suppose it's the same with your Spock."

"Yeah; kind of." Kirk can still remember one time a few months ago when Spock had ended up in sickbay from saving his life. Maybe he can understand a little of what his counterpart must be going through.

"Bones hasn't changed much," Jim remarks, after a short silence.

"You called him Bones," Kirk says in surprise.

"Of course I did. I'm the one who gave him the nickname."

"Were you close, in your reality?" That's one thing he's been curious about. In all the talk of his and Spock's supposed epic friendship, the elder Spock had barely mentioned McCoy. Kirk had started to wonder if maybe they hadn't been friends there.

"He was my best friend." His counterpart looks slightly nostalgic.

"I thought Spock was your best friend," Kirk says, confused.

Jim pauses for a moment. "They both were." He sighs. "They were each other's as well; not that either of them would ever admit it."

Kirk can't imagine Spock and McCoy _ever _being friends, though there had been a time when he would've said the same thing about Spock and him. He suddenly feels uncomfortable as he watches his counterpart and waves a hand vaguely over his shoulder. "I should…."

Jim nods. "Go." His expression hardens. "Find whoever did this."

Kirk feels his own anger rise as he takes one last look at the unconscious Vulcan. "Don't worry. I will."

* * *

They've placed Spock in a room of his own; partially because it's safer, and partially so that they could set the conditions to closer to 'Vulcan normal' in an attempt to make him more comfortable. A side effect, of course, is that what is comfortable for Vulcans is fairly _un_comfortable for humans, but, as focused as he is on Spock, Jim barely notices the heat.

He's done this a dozen times over: sitting at a bedside hoping and praying that his friend – and later, his bondmate – would wake up, would be okay. He can't bring himself to let go of Spock's hand, as if his touch can tether the Vulcan to this reality. He's tried, a couple of times, reaching out with the bond, but Spock is too deeply unconscious to notice or respond.

He still remembers what it was like to lose Spock – pressing his hand against a transparent barrier and feeling like his heart was being ripped from his chest. But if Jim loses him this time, there'll be no second chances; no miracle cures. Spock will really be gone, forever, and Jim doesn't know what he'll do then.

But he still clings to hope, because the chances of them finding their way back to each other again after all this time are infinitesimal, and yet it has happened. And he has to believe that the universe wouldn't be cruel enough to bring him and Spock back together only to tear them apart.

He almost can't believe how long it's been. Time in the Nexus barely seemed to pass at all; from Jim's point of view, it has been no more than a week since the _Enterprise-B_, but for Spock it has been almost a century. Spock's skin is much more wrinkled than Jim remembers, and his hair has turned grey. His love has grown old without him.

If it weren't for the fact that Vulcan lifespans far outstrip human ones, Spock would likely already be dead. Jim has learned that the rest of their friends from the _Enterprise_ have died in his absence. He feels an especially painful pang for McCoy, his best friend for so many years.

"I can't lose you as well," he mutters, still staring at Spock.

He can't help longing slightly for the simplicity of the Nexus. There'd been no pain, no fear, no sadness; he'd had everything that he could possibly want. Except Spock; he reminds himself of that part firmly. When Picard had finally managed to convince Jim that it was all an illusion, it had been like waking up from a dream. And, he thinks, he'll take reality with Spock, as hard and painful as it is, over paradise without him.

Every so often one of the medical staff comes in to check Spock's vitals; Jim thinks he recognises Christine Chapel among them. Several times they try to get Jim to leave; to get some food, or some sleep, but he makes it very clear that he is not leaving.

He passes the time by thinking about their counterparts. According to his Spock, their younger selves aren't together. It isn't too surprising; they've known each other less than a year. What _is_ surprising, though, is that the younger Spock is apparently involved with Lieutenant Uhura. Jim had spent a few moments after that revelation attempting to envision his Spock involved with the Uhura of their reality, and had come to the conclusion that things must, indeed, be very different here.

Jim finds that he is quite fond of his counterpart. He is slightly annoyed that his record for youngest captain in Starfleet has been broken, but there is a certain consolation in the fact that it was broken by _himself_. They are, in many ways, very similar, but different enough that their conversations are, as Spock would put it, fascinating. The younger him is slightly more reckless and rebellious than he had been at that age, but the responsibilities of command have curbed his impulses somewhat. Jim wonders if that is truly the person he would have become without his father's influence in his life, without the memories of Tarsus IV hanging over his head. He considers their diverging childhoods and thinks that they're probably equally damaged in the end – just in different ways.

He hasn't spent enough time with Spock's counterpart to form a solid impression, but from the little he's seen, the younger Spock seems more emotional than his Spock had been; almost angrier – no doubt a side effect of losing his planet and his mother. He wonders, though, if youth plays a part; Spock had once admitted to him that he had experimented with lessening his emotional control in his early years serving under Captain Pike. He had eventually given the experiment up as a failure, and by the time they'd met, he'd buried himself so far into his Vulcan shell that it had taken Jim months to break through his defences. Maybe his counterpart will have an easier time of it.

He barely notices the time pass, but at some point he falls asleep, head pillowed on his arms. He awakens some time later, blinking in the harsh light, and feels a rush of joy and relief as he realises what it was that woke him. Spock is beginning to stir. "Jim," he murmurs.

Jim grips his hand tightly. "I'm here."

Spock's eyes open, and he looks over at Jim, blinking. "Jim?"

Jim smiles broadly. "Hey. How're you feeling?" He can feel through the bond that Spock is basically okay, despite some pain, but it helps Jim to actually ask.

Spock raises his free hand to his temple. "My head…." He frowns at Jim. "I thought I had dreamed you."

"I'm here." Jim reaches out and gently massages Spock's temple. "I should go tell them that you're awake." He stands up and prepares to leave, but is stopped by Spock's grip on his hand. Spock attempts to sit up and Jim quickly moves to help him.

"Don't leave," Spock implores quietly.

Jim frowns. Spock doesn't seem to be shielding at all, and his anxiety is palpable. "It'll just be for a few seconds," he says, squeezing Spock's hand.

"No."

Jim can feel Spock's anxiety ratchet up a notch, and hears very clearly: _I don't want to lose you again_. He begins to understand. After Spock's resurrection, it had taken Jim months to accept that fate wasn't going to take him away again.

He sits down on the edge of the bed. "Okay; it's okay, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He tries to send soothing thoughts through his touch.

Apparently Spock's little panic attack set off some kind of sensor, as McCoy strides in. "You're awake," he says bluntly, and only someone who knows him as well as Jim would notice the undercurrent of relief in his voice. He turns to Jim and adds, "You, off the bed." Jim obediently moves to the chair, thinking that at least some things haven't changed with the timelines. McCoy steps up to the bed and begins running tests. "Any pain, nausea?"

Spock loosens his grip on Jim's hand, but seems reluctant to let go completely. "Yes." He frowns. "It is more difficult than usual to control the pain."

McCoy looks at him. "You're recovering from a fairly serious head injury. I'd imagine it'll be a while until your 'control' is back to normal." They run through the usual tests and discover that while Spock can answer all of the general knowledge questions, he has no memory of the attack – no memories at all between watching Jim leaving their quarters and waking up in sickbay.

When he is satisfied that Spock is relatively undamaged, McCoy injects him with a hypospray. "That should help reduce the symptoms."

He scribbles something on a PADD, and gives Spock a hard look. "Now, I want you to get some rest." Switching his glare to Jim, he adds, "I don't know what you were doing before I got here, but don't do it again. Getting stressed out like that is not going to help his recovery."

"I'll try to keep him calm," Jim promises, smiling at Spock.

"I'll go tell the captain that you're awake; I'm sure he'll want to talk to you." McCoy gives them both an odd look before turning and disappearing through the doorway.

Jim and Spock just stare at each other for a moment after he leaves. "You're not going to lose me again," Jim says quietly.

"I have lived without you for so long," Spock replies. "I am aware that the fear of losing you is not logical, but I am having difficulty controlling it." He looks down at the bedcovers. "It would be easier if you remained close for the moment."

Jim leans forward and squeezes his arm gently. "You make it sound like a chore." He looks around and then extends two fingers, smiling when Spock meets them with his own.

"You know," he says, "the other me was very interested in how I knew you were injured from halfway across the ship." He gives Spock a look. "They're going to figure it out."

"Perhaps. But I still think that they should come to the realisation in their own time, as we did."

Jim snorts. "Yeah, and it only took us _eight years_." He prods Spock gently. "Three of which, I might add, were you _leaving me_ to pursue the _kolinahr_."

"It was not my best decision," Spock admits.

"You can say that again." Jim shakes his head. "Still, it all worked out in the end."

At that point they are interrupted by the arrival of their younger selves. "I'm glad you're okay," Kirk says with a grin.

"I, too, am relieved." The younger Spock is really kind of adorable. Jim can still remember when his own Spock had been that stiff and formal.

"He doesn't remember anything about the attack," Jim says, before they can ask.

"Nothing at all?" Kirk frowns.

"I'm afraid not," Spock replies quietly.

The younger Spock steps forward. "It is likely the trauma of the attack." He frowns in thought. "It is possible the memories are merely hidden, rather than missing. Perhaps a mindmeld-"

"No!" Spock cuts him off. The other three look at him.

"Why not?" Kirk asks, puzzled. "Is it dangerous?"

"There will be no danger," the younger Spock tells him.

Spock looks uncomfortable. "I do not wish you to see my memories. It would be unwise for you to know too much about the future." The look he sends Jim speaks volumes about which memories he is talking about.

"You showed me your memories before," Kirk reasons.

"That was when I had control over _which _memories to show you. In this case, my control is somewhat lacking, and my counterpart will have to view numerous memories in order to discover those that are missing."

"I will not view any memories you do not wish me to," the younger Spock says indignantly.

"Are you certain you have that kind of discipline? Especially when dealing with a mind that is so similar to your own?"

Jim watches as their younger selves exchange glances. "Spock," he says gently, "this might be the only way to find out what happened to you. What if the person who attacked you hurts someone else?"

Spock stares at him and Jim wishes there was another way to do this. _If you keep resisting, you're going to have to explain _why_, and the whole thing'll become moot_,Jim thinks, willing Spock to yield to the logic of the situation.

Finally he does, closing his eyes tightly. "Very well. If you are certain there is no other way."

The younger Spock moves forward and places his fingertips on his counterpart's face, closing his eyes in concentration.

Jim watches the two of them; Spock's face grows paler as the meld continues, and he begins to clench his fists as the younger Spock's expression slowly changes from concentration to shock. Just as Jim is considering stopping the meld, Spock's counterpart moves away, wide-eyed.

"I can identify the attacker," he manages, then turns and rapidly leaves the room. Kirk gives both Jim and Spock a slightly confused look before shrugging and following his first officer.

"I take it he knows, then?" Jim asks, after a moment.

"I made every effort to hide my memories." Spock frowns. "But, as I feared, I was not completely successful."

Jim sighs. "Well, this ought to be interesting."


	4. Chapter 3 Discovery

I went with what seems to be the most common pronunciation of t'hy'la - kinda wish we could've heard it on screen just once. Did anyone ever ask Roddenberry how it's meant to be pronounced?

**Chapter 3 – Discovery**

Spock rushes out of sickbay, attempting to forget what he has just seen. He cannot deal with this right now; there is work to be done-

He almost jumps in shock when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Whirling round, he sees Kirk looking worried.

"Are you okay?" Kirk asks in an undertone.

"I am fine." Spock straightens his uniform. "We should identify the attacker and place him under arrest." He moves off in the direction of the turbolift.

Kirk follows. "Do you know what happened, then?

"Not precisely. The memories leading up to the attack were somewhat fragmented, which, I assume, is from the trauma." Spock thinks, as they enter the turbolift, that with more time he could perhaps have learned exactly what had happened. But he is having a hard enough time with the memories he has already seen, and the idea of another mindmeld with his counterpart is particularly unappealing.

As they wait for the lift to reach the correct floor, Spock concentrates on blocking out the irrelevant memories. Being alone with the captain is really not helping him deal with the unexpected after-effects of the mindmeld, and it doesn't seem to matter how much he tells himself that this is an entirely different reality.

"Are you _sure_ you're all right?" Kirk asks with evident concern, jerking Spock out of his thoughts. "You ran out of sickbay like you'd seen a ghost."

Thankfully, the doors open before Spock has to answer that question. He leads the way to the conference room where the crew of the _Archimedes_ is congregated. He and Kirk enter with several security men; Spock scans the room. He quickly identifies a blond ensign no older than Chekov and points him out to security.

The young man seems willing to come quietly, but the older lieutenant next to him insists on coming with them. Kirk protests for a moment, then shrugs and allows them to stay together. The two men are almost silent on the way to the brig; all Kirk and Spock learn is that their identities are Ensign Russell Saunders and Lieutenant Jack Morris, and that they are cousins. The lieutenant spends the short trip attempting to keep himself between Ensign Saunders and the _Enterprise _crewmembers. There is no evidence that Morris himself is guilty of any wrongdoing, but the way he is glaring at Kirk has Spock fighting a protective urge to move closer to his captain. It is something of a relief when they reach the brig and can leave the two men under guard.

They leave the security personnel to question Ensign Saunders, and Kirk claps Spock on the shoulder. "Well, this was certainly an eventful day, huh? Chess tonight?" He smiles and for a few seconds all Spock can do is stare, struck by the way the captain's entire face seems to light up. Then he realises what he is doing and actively takes a step backwards, trying to ignore Kirk's slightly hurt expression.

It's at that moment that Uhura appears. She looks from Spock to Kirk and back. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Spock says, turning away from Kirk and concentrating on Uhura. "Was there something you wanted?"

"I wondered if you wanted to have dinner with me tonight."

"Of course," Spock says. "My quarters at 19:00?"

She nods, and Spock turns back to Kirk. "Captain, I am afraid I will have to decline your offer of chess."

Kirk's expression is unreadable. "Okay; maybe another time."

Something in his tone makes Spock want to take back his words, and _that_ thought brings a sudden urge to get as far away from the captain as possible. "The mindmeld with my counterpart was more taxing than I had anticipated. If it is acceptable, I would like to meditate for a time."

"Yeah, sure," Kirk says, waving a hand. The odd tone is gone from his voice. "I'll go tell him that we've found the guy."

He heads off towards the turbolift, leaving Spock and Uhura alone.

"Are you feeling okay?" Uhura asks, with a hint of concern.

He allows his expression to soften slightly as he stares at her. "It is nothing serious. I am merely slightly fatigued." He moves off and she follows.

"I hear your counterpart's going to be fine," Uhura offers as they make their way to his quarters.

Spock resists a grimace at the mention of his elder self. "Yes; his apparent resilience bodes well for me." He glances at her and she smiles a little.

"I went to see him," she says lightly, "when I was looking for you." She pauses. "He and the older Kirk are very close, aren't they?"

He notices something in her tone that he cannot identify and frowns. "Vulcans do not engage in casual friendships. For my counterpart to count Kirk as a friend, they would _have_ to be very close." This is the truth. It is also a way of avoiding the question.

He is grateful that Uhura doesn't push the issue, though he sees an odd look cross her face before she changes the subject. "So, what do you think of this other Kirk, then? He doesn't seem much like the captain."

"I have not yet had the chance to form an impression," Spock replies stiffly, wishing she would discuss something else. "However, my counterpart does not resemble myself in many ways. They are from an alternate universe, as well as being a great deal older." He speeds up a little, wanting to get to his quarters and end this conversation as quickly as possible, before the memories that are not his overwhelm him.

Uhura lapses into silence; he wonders if he has hurt her with his abruptness, but he cannot deal with extraneous thoughts at present. Thankfully, they reach his cabin a short time later.

As he turns to her, she lays a hand on his arm. "I'll see you tonight."

Spock nods, reaching out and briefly laying his own hand over hers. Then he enters his quarters and locks the door.

He drops into a sitting position, hoping that meditation will help him deal with the emotions the mindmeld has stirred up; images of his and Kirk's counterparts sharing a bond that went far beyond simple friendship.

Spock is at a loss to explain it. He and Kirk have become friends over the past months, but _this_? He cannot help wondering if this is the true reason for his elder self's insistence that he stay with the _Enterprise_.

The most unsettling thing is that part of him longs for a relationship like that - to be so close to someone it were as if they were a part of him. There is a word in Vulcan for that kind of relationship, one that is rarely used, and yet had featured prominently in the memories of the alternate him-and-Kirk; _t'hy'la_. Friend, brother, lover… _soulmate_.

Spock cannot deny that he has felt drawn to Jim Kirk since the day they met, but the idea that the illogical human could possibly be his _t'hy'la _is somewhat difficult to assimilate. Besides, he tells himself firmly, he is already _in_ a relationship, and he is quite content. Nyota Uhura is everything that James Kirk isn't: logical, reliable, safe - and she truly cares for him. Leaving her for Kirk would be the height of illogic.

And yet, no matter how he tries, he cannot get his mind off of the memories. There is one memory in particular that is impossible to ignore; he assumes it is a bonding ceremony between his and Kirk's counterparts. That would be unnerving enough by itself, but what really captures Spock's attention is that his mother is there.

He feels a stab of pain at this vision of the life she will never have. His mother never met Uhura, will never meet Kirk, but in the memory she is smiling, welcoming Kirk into the family as if it were the most natural thing in the universe. The idea that even his _mother_ approved is too much and Spock gives up his attempt at meditation, deciding that he will have to confront his counterpart. He pulls himself to a standing position with a sigh and heads out of his quarters towards sickbay.

When he arrives, he finds his counterpart sitting up in bed conversing with Kirk's counterpart. The elder Kirk is sitting on the edge of the bed, and they are looking at each other as if there were no one else in the universe. Spock is filled with the odd longing again but determinedly pushes it down.

His counterpart looks up at that moment, and sees him. "Spock."

Spock steps forward. "I wish to speak with you." His eyes flick to the elder Kirk. "Alone, if possible."

The two older men stare at each other for a moment. Now that he knows what to look for, Spock can spot the signs of a telepathic bond between them. _Fascinating_.

Jim stands. "I'll be outside if you need me." He looks mildly surprised when Spock's counterpart extends two fingers, but quickly meets them with his own and smiles.

Spock stares after him for a moment when he leaves, then turns to confront his elder self. "You are bonded."

It isn't a question, but the elder Spock answers anyway. "Yes."

"Why did you not inform me of this?" Spock pours all of his confusion and frustration into that one question.

His elder self sighs. "Would you have believed me?" He looks away. "In any case, it would have been unfair of me - selfish, even - to interfere in that way." He looks back at Spock as he adds, "It is the same reason I did not accompany Jim to the _Enterprise_ during the _Narada _incident – you needed to learn to work together on your own. I obviously didn't expect you to find out this way."

"Why _him_?" Spock bursts out. The logic of the situation escapes him.

His counterpart meets his eyes. "Because I love him," he says.

Spock swallows, his father's words echoing in his head. _I married her because I loved her_. "You call him _t'hy'la_," he says quietly.

His counterpart sighs. "Yes."

"If you expect our relationship to mirror your own-"

"I do not," his counterpart interrupts. He pauses for a few seconds. "You are happy with Lieutenant Uhura?" He seems genuinely curious.

"We are content," Spock answers, then adds, "You were never involved with her." He has suspected for some time, and is now certain of it.

"No." His elder self spreads his hands. "I have no regrets. But the timelines have changed; it is possible that your destiny differs from mine." He leans towards Spock. "All I can ask is that you do not underestimate James Kirk. Jim became the most important person in my life long before we were bonded. Your friendship with him can still be life-changing, even if it does not follow the path of my own."

There is little that Spock can say in response to that. After a moment he manages, "I will consider what you have said."

He leaves without looking back.

- - - - - -

Dinner with Uhura is usually a pleasant experience, but tonight it seems awkward and uncomfortable. In the middle of the meal Uhura puts down her fork and asks unexpectedly, "Do you love me?"

Spock blinks, taken off guard. "I… I am a Vulcan." It is all he can think of to say.

Uhura looks down at her plate. "Yeah; that's what I thought." She sighs. "Spock… I think we need to talk."

"About?"

"About us." She meets his eyes, visibly upset. "I think…. I think we should just be friends."

"I do not understand."

She twists her hands together. "I care about you a lot – you have to know that."

Spock nods.

"And I know you care about me." Uhura takes a deep breath. "But it feels like we're drifting apart. Sometimes it seems like when you're here with me, you're not really _here_. There's this space inside that I can't reach."

He stares at her. "I thought you understood Vulcans."

"I do. And if that was the only problem, maybe I could deal with it." She gets to her feet and begins to pace. "What's going on with you and Kirk?"

Spock frowns in confusion. "To what are you referring?"

She turns to him with a look of disbelief, which quickly changes to shock as she stares at him. "My God; you don't even see it."

Spock feels frustration begin to batter at his controls. "Will you _please_ explain what you are talking about?" Then something occurs to him. "Does this have anything to do with my counterpart?" He remembers the odd tone in her voice when she'd mentioned the elder him-and-Kirk.

Uhura sits down on his bed. "A little. But I don't think I would've noticed anything if I hadn't already been thinking about it. The way you act around him; the way he acts around you. I thought… I wondered if there was something going on between you two, but now I just think you're both idiots."

Spock blinks. "You believed the captain and I were involved?"

"I didn't know _what_ to think." Uhura gestures helplessly. "I mean, I didn't think you'd actually cheat on me, but at the same time, it was pretty difficult not to notice the way you two look at each other." There is a hint of bitterness in her tone.

He moves over to sit beside her. "I care deeply for you, Nyota."

She looks down at her hands. "But you don't_ love _me."

He has no response to that, so moves on to her next point. "I have no interest in the captain."

Uhura meets his eyes. "Really?"

He is about to reassure her, but something makes him pause and think about it, about all of it: his growing friendship with Kirk; the emotions stirred up by the mindmeld; his elder self's words. And suddenly, he isn't so sure of the correct course of action. "I am… uncertain," he admits, frowning.

"And that's why this isn't going to work." She lays a hand on his shoulder. "I really would like us to stay friends."

Spock nods, mind reeling. "If that is what you want."

Uhura takes her hand off his shoulder and stands, blinking rapidly. "I should go."

He nods again, watching as she leaves. When the door slides shut, he moves to sit on the floor, hoping that meditation will provide some answers.

* * *

Kirk practically bounds into McCoy's office. "Bones, how're you doing?"

McCoy looks up with his usual annoyed expression. "I take it you're finally off duty?"

"Yep," Kirk replies proudly. "As of ten minutes ago, I'm a free man – until the next crisis hits, at least. And you'll be happy to know that Scotty finally got the engines fixed." He flops down in the chair opposite McCoy. "How's Old Spock?"

"Does he know you call him that?"

Kirk shrugs. "He seems to think it's funny. Besides, it helps tell them apart."

"He's doing fine, from what I can tell – not that I'm exactly an expert on Vulcans. And his human half makes it all the more complicated." McCoy stands up and begins rummaging in one of the cupboards behind him. "Did you learn anything from Saunders?"

"No – he won't talk to anyone but his cousin, and _he's_ no help." Kirk sighs. "I just wish I knew _why_."

He raises his eyebrows as McCoy emerges with a bottle of bourbon and two glasses. "What's this in honour of?"

McCoy sits down and pours them both a glass. "In honour of how much I don't want to have the following conversation." He takes a generous swallow. "Have you noticed how close the other you and Spock are?"

"Yeah," Kirk replies, shrugging. "They're best friends. Like we are."

McCoy almost chokes on his bourbon. "No, _not _just like we are." He gives Kirk a meaningful look. "They were _holding hands_."

Kirk shifts in his seat. It's as if he and McCoy are having two different conversations. "So?"

McCoy's expression changes to a very familiar 'you're an _idiot_' look. Kirk wonders sometimes if the members of his crew actually practice that look, because McCoy, Spock and Uhura are all masters of it. "Did you _sleep_ through the section on Vulcans in Xenobiology?"

Kirk grins. "Well, there was this really hot instructor…."

McCoy shakes his head. "Typical." He sighs and leans forward. "Hand-to-hand contact is how Vulcans _kiss_. Holding hands like that isn't something they'd do with a friend, no matter _how_ close they are."

It finally begins to sink in, and Kirk blinks, hard. "What're you saying? You think they're _lovers_?"

"I'm sure of it." McCoy tops off both of their glasses resignedly. "Cheers."

Kirk is silent for a while, trying to think all of this through. If McCoy is right, it explains a _lot_. The ambassador's hastily concealed surprise at the news that Spock and Uhura were dating; the reunion between him and Kirk's counterpart; the feeling that the two of them could read each other's minds-

And then it slams into him - how strange Spock had acted after he'd mindmelded with his elder self. "He knows."

"Who knows what?"

"Spock. Knows about the old him-and-me. He must've seen it in the mindmeld." Kirk frowns. "I _knew_ he was acting strange."

"Sounds like you and the pointy-eared bastard need to sit down and talk about this."

"Yeah, right, 'cause that'll go brilliantly." Kirk takes a long drink and places his glass back on the desk. "It doesn't mean anything, anyway."

He wants to take the words back when McCoy begins to look particularly interested; that expression never bodes well for him. "I never said it did."

"They're not us."

McCoy leans forward. "Are you trying to convince me or yourself there, Jim?"

Kirk knows what he should say, but he can't quite form the words. He takes another drink and holds out his glass for a refill.

He'd considered it, once or twice, but Spock seemed to be happy with Uhura – or as happy as Spock ever got, anyway. He certainly wasn't going to be the one to come between them – Kirk did have _some _rules when it came to sex, despite what McCoy might say, and one of them was that he didn't break up relationships. He'd put Spock firmly in the 'unavailable' category a long time ago, and he'd been _dealing_ with it. And now the universe has decided to shove it in his face.

"I don't know," Kirk finally answers. "Does it matter?"

"I still think you should talk to him." McCoy nods his head in the direction of the ambassador's bed. "Or maybe try talking to them."

That isn't a bad idea. In fact, Kirk decides, he'd quite like to have a 'Why the hell didn't you _tell_ me?' conversation with the elder Spock. "I guess I'll start with them." He considers his glass for a moment and drains it; something tells him this isn't a conversation he'll want to have sober.

When he's finished, he bids goodbye to McCoy and, with a sigh, heads off to talk to his and Spock's counterparts.

He finds them playing chess. Kirk wonders for a second where they got the 3D board, but is quickly distracted by the game. The first thing he notices is that his counterpart actually seems to be _winning_. Kirk never manages to win against Spock – the closest he's managed so far is a stalemate. The second thing he notices is that when Jim goes to pick up his bishop, he deliberately brushes his fingers against the elder Spock's. Suddenly, Kirk starts to understand what McCoy meant about hand to hand contact.

He steps forward. "Hey."

They both look up at the same time. Jim grins, and Spock gives a tiny smile – the Vulcan equivalent of a grin.

"Hello," Jim says. "Come to watch us play chess?"

"Can you teach me to beat Spock?" Kirk asks, in an attempt to avoid the real issue.

They both look amused. "The best tip I can give you," Jim says, picking up a knight, "is to play illogically." He moves the knight up a level. "Like so."

Spock quickly makes a move in retaliation and Jim sighs. "Unfortunately, he's grown wise to me after all these years. Might work with your Spock, though."

"I still win only fifty-six point two percent of the time, Jim," the elder Spock puts in. "I have not grown wise to all your tricks." He looks ever-so-slightly smug as he adds, "However, I anticipate checkmate in six."

"We'll see about _that_, my friend," Jim responds. He looks up at Kirk. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Yeah, actually." Kirk shuffles his feet. _Should've had more bourbon_. He takes a deep breath and blurts it out. "McCoy thinks the two of you are a couple."

He stares very intently at the floor. There's complete silence for a moment, and then he hears Jim say, "I _told_ you they'd figure it out." As Kirk looks up in surprise, he adds, "Y'know, Bones was the first person to figure it out in our reality, too."

"So it's true, then?" It isn't really a surprise, but somehow hearing it confirmed makes it more real.

Spock sighs heavily. "Yes, it is true. I had not intended you to find out."

Kirk frowns. "Why not?"

"As I have already explained to my counterpart, I wished the two of you to develop a relationship free of my interference."

"I told him it was a bad idea," Jim puts in.

"Spock came to see you?" Kirk asks, trying to focus on one thing at a time.

"He did, and I shall tell you the same thing I told him: I do not expect your relationship to mirror our own. The timelines have changed; it's possible that is no longer your destiny."

"Unless that's what you want," Jim adds. He pauses. "_Is_ that what you want?"

"I... hadn't really thought about it," Kirk lies.

Jim shrugs. "Well, if you want some tips…"

"Jim!" Spock chides. He gets an amused look in response.

There's so much about their relationship that Kirk is curious about. He pulls up a chair and sits down. "Can I ask you some questions?"

"I suppose, though I can't guarantee that we'll answer them," Jim replies. "What do you want to know?"

Kirk decides to start at the beginning. "How long have you been together?"

Jim frowns. "That really depends on how you count. By my reckoning, twenty years."

Kirk takes a moment to let that sink in. _Twenty years_. "That's almost my entire life."

"Oh, don't say that," Jim complains, turning to look at Spock. "How many people can claim to be old enough to be their own father?"

"I believe the honour is ours alone, Jim. Although, if I may point out, I am now considerably older than you are."

"Yeah, but in Vulcan terms you're hardly older at all."

They seem in danger of forgetting that he's there, so Kirk quickly jumps in with another question. "What about Starfleet? I mean, he was your first officer, right? Didn't that cause problems?" From what he's read, relationships in the chain of command aren't actually _forbidden_, but they're heavily frowned upon.

Jim stretches in his chair. "Starfleet didn't exactly approve of our relationship, but they knew we were stronger together. Even after Spock was promoted they didn't separate us." He gives the elder Spock a fond look. "You could've had a ship of your own."

"I had no desire to command. I was quite content to serve as your first officer."

Jim nods, grinning. "Ah, so it was a completely logical decision."

The corners of Spock's mouth twitch upwards. "Of course."

Something occurs to Kirk. "Y'know… you never did tell me how you could tell he was hurt."

The two older men exchange glances. "You want to answer that one?" Jim asks.

"Very well." Spock steeples his fingers. "Vulcan couples traditionally share a telepathic bond. It allows the partners to communicate without speaking, and to experience each other's emotions. Jim and I share such a bond, and it was this that alerted him to my... distress."

Kirk blinks. "So you really _can_ read each other's thoughts!"

"Not all the time," Jim puts in hastily. "I think I'd go crazy. And it'd take all the fun out of our chess games." As if to underscore this bit of information, he makes a move on the chessboard. "But it's pretty useful if we want to communicate without anyone overhearing."

"It has saved our lives on several occasions," Spock adds.

"So how does it work, exactly?" Kirk asks curiously.

"I can't read Spock's thoughts unless he lets me, and it took me a long time until I could shield well enough to prevent him from reading mine – though he only ever did it without permission in emergencies." Jim leans back in his chair. "In theory, the connection between us should be fairly weak, given that I'm human and Spock's half-human. In reality, he once heard my thoughts from lightyears away – and that was _before_ we were fully bonded."

"The strength of our bond was somewhat unprecedented," Spock adds. "Our minds are apparently remarkably attuned."

"So, does that mean that mine and Spock's minds are… attuned?" Kirk asks quickly, already poring over the possibilities.

His counterpart and Spock's exchange glances again. "I cannot answer that," the elder Spock responds. "But I would suspect so, yes. If the two of you ever mindmeld, I would advise caution."

"The first time we melded, he actually created a link between our minds," Jim says. "Which is supposedly impossible to do by accident."

"Not impossible," Spock corrects. "It is, however, exceedingly unlikely." He gives Jim a fond look. "You have an extremely dynamic mind."

Another question occurs to Kirk. "Can you say his full name?" Spock had told him it was unpronounceable by humans; Kirk would quite like to prove him wrong.

Jim rattles off something in rapid Vulcan, ending with 'Spock'. He glances at the elder Spock, as if checking that he got it right; his response is a nod.

"Took me six months to learn how to say it properly," Jim remarks. "But apparently most humans can't pronounce it at_ all_, so…."

"Most humans would not have the patience to learn, t'hy'la," Spock responds. "And it took my mother rather longer than six months; you should be proud of your accomplishment." He looks at Jim affectionately, and Kirk is hit with a sudden wish to see his Spock look at him like that.

He looks from one of them to the other and suddenly can't breathe from the pain. Here is living proof of what he could have with Spock if things were different – if Spock hadn't picked Uhura instead. He's suddenly hit with how unfair the universe is, and needs to get out, get away. "I should go," he mumbles, standing up.

He is confronted by matching looks of understanding and sympathy, which only make him feel worse. "Can we talk more some other time?"

"Absolutely," Jim promises. "And don't give up hope."

Kirk bites back the retort on the tip of his tongue and nods instead. He takes one last look at the two of them, then leaves.

He spends the journey to his quarters trying not to think about how happy his and Spock's counterparts had seemed, and mostly failing. It's a surprise when he actually gets to his quarters and finds the younger Spock waiting outside. "Captain," Spock greets, and then corrects himself, "Jim."

Kirk blinks. That's the first time Spock's called him 'Jim' without being prompted, not counting times when Kirk's been in mortal peril. "What're you doing here, Spock?"

"I find that I am free tonight after all. Are you still interested in a game of chess?"

Kirk frowns. "I thought you had plans with Uhura."

"Lieutenant Uhura has terminated our romantic relationship." Spock's voice is perfectly expressionless; he may as well be commenting on the weather.

"She dumped you?" Kirk blurts in surprise, then winces inwardly. _Probably could have phrased that better._

Spock's expression doesn't change, but his ears turn an interesting shade of green. "I believe that is one way of describing the situation, yes."

Kirk resolutely pushes down the part of himself that is rejoicing at the news. Spock likely needs a friend right now, and, aside from Uhura, he's probably the only friend that Spock has. "Are you okay?"

Spock inclines his head. "I am adequate."

Kirk rubs the back of his neck. "I guess you'd better come in."

He lets Spock set up the chessboard while he changes out of his uniform. "So did she say _why_ she broke up with you?" he asks, pulling on a clean shirt.

"I would prefer not to discuss it at this point," Spock replies, voice still carefully expressionless.

Kirk shrugs. "Okay." He raises the temperature a few degrees out of consideration to Spock, then sits down across from him. "Actually, I think there's something else we should talk about." There's a voice in the back of his head telling him not to open this can of worms, but McCoy has a point – they're going to have to discuss it at some point.

Spock raises an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"

Kirk holds his gaze. "Our counterparts."

It's as if all of the oxygen suddenly goes out of the room. "You are aware of the nature of their relationship," Spock says, after a moment.

"You mean that they're not just really good friends? Yeah."

"My counterpart did not inform you of this before?"

"He told me they were friends." Kirk shrugs. "Of course, he also told me the universe would explode if the two of you met." He looks at Spock. "I'm guessing you didn't know either – I mean, before you went wandering around in his head."

Spock shakes his head. "I am unsure what to do with this information," he admits. "Meditation has not helped, and so I thought that it might be worthwhile to discuss the situation with you."

"It doesn't have to change anything," Kirk says. "If that's what you're worried about. They're not us."

He sees something flicker in Spock's eyes for just a second, but the emotion is gone before he can identify it. Kirk gestures to the board.

"Let's play."

Kirk takes his counterpart's advice and plays illogically – even more so than usual. He doesn't expect it to work, and breaks into a grin when Spock tips his king in concession. "I knew I'd beat you one day!" Maybe he should have a few drinks before playing more often.

He'd expected Spock to be annoyed at the win, but instead he looks almost… impressed. "You may be a worthwhile opponent after all," Spock tells him. Kirk decides to take that as a compliment.

"You know," he says as he sets up the board for a second match, "the other you and me play chess, too."

Spock raises an eyebrow. "Indeed?"

"Yep. And you only win slightly more than half the time."

Spock eyes him suspiciously. "You have been getting tips on how to beat me."

"Yeah," Kirk replies, grinning, "but I was getting them from myself, so it doesn't really count."

Spock doesn't look convinced, but doesn't argue. Kirk counts that as a point in his favour.

About halfway into their second game, Kirk finds the courage to bring up something he's been thinking about. "Can I ask you a question?"

Spock looks up from where he is considering his next move. "That _is_ a question."

Kirk ignores that. "There's this Vulcan word that the other you called the other me. I was wondering what it meant."

Spock observes him neutrally. "What word?"

Kirk tries to pronounce it. "Tuh-hi-lah?"

"T'hy'la," Spock responds.

"That's it!" Kirk exclaims. "What does it mean?"

Spock stares very intently at the chessboard. "Friend. Brother. Lover."

"All at once?" From what he's seen, and heard, it sounds about right.

"Not necessarily. It is a word used to describe a person with which one shares a lifelong relationship, whether platonic or otherwise." Spock's expression shifts. "However, it is very rarely used unless all of the definitions apply. Our counterparts are apparently no exception."

Kirk frowns. "How much of their relationship did you see in his head?"

Spock glances up and then goes back to staring at the board. "Largely flashes. Some were of moments such as this: playing chess, or working together. Some were considerably more… intimate."

Spock finally makes a move, and Kirk studies the chessboard without really seeing it. He thinks for a moment about asking Spock to show him, but the many, _many_ reasons why that's a bad idea stop him. "Are you going to be okay? I mean it's got to be a weird situation."

"It is somewhat discomfiting," Spock admits. "However, I am determined not to allow it to affect me."

Kirk feels an ache in his chest, as well as the sudden desire to yell at Spock, _You've _seen_ what we can have together, how can you not _want _that?_

But, he reminds himself firmly, Spock has only just broken up with Uhura, and now really isn't the best time. He rapidly moves the conversation to less dangerous topics.

Kirk loses the second game, but only just. Spock leaves Kirk's quarters with a promise to play again the next night, and Kirk collapses onto his bed. "When did my life get so _complicated_?" he mutters darkly, wondering why all of the problems in his life seem to trace back to people named Spock.


	5. Chapter 4 Us and Them

**Chapter 4 – Us and Them**

Spock is surprised at how much he enjoyed his evening with the captain. It has been a long time since anyone beat him at chess, and Spock finds he is actually looking forward to their next match – although, if he is completely honest with himself, it is not just the chess that he is looking forward to. After his conversation with Uhura, he had meditated for a long time, and had come to the conclusion that he did hold some… affection for Kirk.

It is frustrating, however, because he cannot help wondering whether the emotions are genuine or a by-product of the mindmeld with his counterpart. And even if his affection _is_ genuine, there is no guarantee that Kirk will share his feelings. Just because they were_ t'hy'la_ in another reality does not mean that the situation will be the same here.

He steps onto the bridge for his shift and lets his eyes rest, for a moment, on the centre seat. Kirk is studying a PADD, presumably offered by the blonde yeoman standing beside him. He smiles as he hands it back, and Spock is struck again by the way the smile makes Kirk's entire face light up. He gives himself a mental shake as he crosses the room to his station.

He greets Uhura quietly as he passes her and receives a slightly sad smile in return. He is gratified to find that ending their relationship was clearly not an easy decision on her part, but the idea speaks to her having considered this for some time. Spock finds himself wondering how long she has suspected him of harbouring feelings for the captain.

Spock has only been at his station for 12.4 minutes when Kirk appears beside him. "We should reach Starbase fourteen in about two hours," Kirk says, as Spock turns to look at him.

"Have you made arrangements for the prisoner?"

"Yeah; I got Uhura to contact the base just before you got here." Kirk lowers his voice. "Are you two going to be okay to work together?"

Spock feels a spark of annoyance. "Captain, my personal life has no bearing on my ability to perform my duties, and I am certain the same can be said of Lieutenant Uhura."

Kirk raises his hands in surrender. "All right, just asking."

Something in his tone makes Spock regret his outburst. "We have agreed to remain friends," he says stiffly.

Kirk blinks, then raises his eyebrows. "Good luck with that." He straightens up. "Chess at 21.00?"

Spock nods and goes back to taking readings as Kirk heads back to his chair.

- - - - - -

As predicted, the _Enterprise_ reaches the starbase 2.1 hours later. As they are transporting the crew of the _Archimedes _to the base, there is a security alert reporting that Saunders and Morris have gone missing.

Kirk turns to Spock. "I'll go deal with that. You stay here."

Spock frowns. "Captain, it would be more logical for me to go with security. At least allow me to accompany you."

"One of us is needed here, and I don't have time to argue," Kirk shoots back heatedly, and heads out of the transporter room before Spock can protest further.

Transporting down the rest of the crewmembers does not take much time, and when they are all gone, several members of Starbase security beam up to the ship. Spock explains the situation and leaves them to guard the transporter room as he goes to look for Kirk. The captain has demonstrated an unprecedented ability to get himself into trouble, and Spock assumes that his assistance will be required at some point.

He listens very intently as he searches the corridors of the ship. Vulcan hearing is much more sensitive than human and Spock hopes that this will give him an advantage. He is near to engineering when he picks up the signs of a struggle. After quietly contacting security, he quickens his pace and deduces which room the noises are coming from. He approaches as quietly as he can manage, still listening carefully.

He is not surprised to recognise Kirk's voice as he approaches the door to the room. "Look," he hears Kirk say, with remarkable composure, "You've already attacked a Federation ambassador and two security personnel. Do you really want to add assault of a superior officer to your record?" Spock checks the door and is unsurprised to find that it is locked from the inside.

"I'm not afraid of you," a voice responds. Spock identifies it as that of Lieutenant Morris. "I don't know what you did to get this ship, but after the stuff you've pulled, you should've been thrown out of Starfleet. You're not my superior officer; you're _nothing_."

"Is that your opinion as well, Ensign?" Spock recognises the edge to Kirk's voice; Morris's words appear to have hit home. He begins work on overriding the locking mechanism. He can only assume that Morris and possibly Saunders are armed, and Kirk is not, and wishes that he could somehow communicate with Kirk.

"You should have saved her!" Saunders blurts out and Spock frowns, wondering who the ensign is referring to.

Evidently Kirk has the same thought. "Saved who?"

"My girlfriend, Lisa. You could have saved her, and you _didn't_!" Anger and pain come through clearly in his voice. "I kept hearing about the great Captain Kirk; how he saved the whole world. You couldn't even save a whole _ship_!"

Spock grimaces; Kirk has always hated to lose people. He listens intently, trying to figure out from the voices where each of the men is standing.

When Kirk responds, his tone is heavy. "I _tried_! God, do you think I _wanted_ them to die?"

"Didn't you?" Morris snarls. "Oh, it's fine if you actually _know_ them, but the rest of us don't even matter."

Anger rushes through Spock at Morris's words. He finally manages to disengage the lock and readies his phaser before opening the door. All three men turn to look at him – Saunders with anger, Morris with hatred, and Kirk with amazement.

Morris raises a phaser, but Spock is faster and the lieutenant drops to the floor, stunned. Spock turns to Saunders. "Must I stun you as well?" he asks.

Saunders shakes his head, backing down now that he is outnumbered. Spock relieves him of his phaser and turns to Kirk, who steps forward and grips Spock's arm, obviously relieved.

"Guess I should've brought you after all. How'd you know I was here?"

"Vulcan hearing is very sensitive," Spock reminds him as several redshirted security personnel arrive at the room. "Are you hurt?"

Kirk shakes his head, smiling thankfully. "I have to say, your timing's perfect." He finally removes his hand and Spock is surprised to find that he misses the contact.

Kirk turns to the security men. "Take this one to the transporter room," he orders, indicating Morris's unconscious body. "I want to question Ensign Saunders myself."

"I want to go with Jack," Saunders says immediately.

Kirk gives him a hard look. "Tough."

Two of the security men drag Morris away while the third stays with Kirk and Spock. Kirk swiftly contacts sickbay about the injured security men and finds that they are relatively unharmed. Morris and Saunders had knocked them out and stolen their phasers.

"Right." Kirk addresses Saunders. "Let's start from the beginning. Why did you attack the ambassador?"

Saunders glares at them. "I heard you talking in the transporter room. That old guy he was with wasn't meant to be here. If he hadn't been, maybe Lisa would still be alive."

"You could have killed him." Kirk's hands clench into fists at his sides.

Pain flickers briefly in Saunders's eyes, but his expression is defiant. "I didn't want him to _die_ – I wanted him to hurt. I wanted _you_ to hurt." He stares harshly at Kirk. "You should have saved her. You should have saved all of them."

He is silent after that, refusing to answer any more of their questions.

Kirk and Spock walk back to the transporter room with two security men, ensign in tow. The Starbase security personnel beam down, leaving Kirk and Spock alone.

Kirk turns to him with a sigh. "_Was_ there anything else we could have done to help them? I keep thinking.... Seventeen out of forty-two isn't much."

"I have been over the situation, Captain. There was nothing we could have done to save them." Kirk shrugs listlessly and Spock reaches out, laying a hand on his arm.

"Jim, you did everything possible. The loss of the rest of the _Archimedes _crew is notyour fault."

Kirk nods slowly, some of the stiffness in his posture dissipating. Spock removes his hand, surprised at his own use of Kirk's first name, but relieved that the captain no longer seems to be blaming himself.

Kirk smiles half-heartedly. "Is it me, or does stuff like this happen way too often?"

Spock cannot help but agree. "Perhaps you should endeavour not to go looking for trouble," he suggests, raising his eyebrows.

"I don't go looking for trouble." Spock just stares at him; Kirk waves a hand. "Well, not _often_. Trouble just seems to find me." He presses the intercom. "Chekov, lay in a course for Babel, warp six."

"Warp six, sir," comes the reply.

Kirk breaks the connection, and turns to look at Spock. "How long will it take us?"

"At warp six, five point four days." They will arrive in time for the conference after all, despite the detour.

Kirk nods. "Well, I guess we'd better get back to work."

They head back towards the bridge, but halfway there, Kirk orders the lift to sickbay. "We should tell the other you that we're on course for Babel."

Spock nods. "Logical."

Kirk smiles at the compliment. As they step out of the turbolift, he says, "Y'know, it's kind of strange being around them now."

Spock frowns. "Now that you are aware of their relationship?"

"Well, yeah. I keep wondering how it happened."

Their arrival at sickbay prevents any further discussion of the subject. They find the ambassador sitting up in bed reading a PADD. He is alone. "Jim has gone to get something to eat," he explains. "Is there something you want?"

"Just to tell you that we're on course for Babel, and should be there in about five days," Kirk reports.

"Five-point-four," Spock corrects.

Kirk shoots him a look before turning back to the elder Spock. "So, when are they letting you out of here?"

"This afternoon, if all goes well." He lays down the PADD. "I admit to looking forward to a change of scenery."

"Yeah; I don't think I'd want to be stuck in here. Especially with Bones constantly sticking me with hyposprays."

The elder Spock raises an eyebrow. "Is that a common occurrence?"

"Common enough that I think he actually enjoys it," Kirk replies, smiling.

The ambassador offers them both the Vulcan salute. Spock returns it, then watches as Kirk makes a valiant effort to get his fingers into the correct position. He finally admits defeat and shrugs sheepishly. "I have proof that I'll manage it someday." He looks at Spock, tilting his head in the direction of the door. "C'mon, Spock."

As they head back to the turbolift, Kirk turns to him. "I don't suppose you could teach me how to do that salute thing?"

Spock doesn't answer for a moment. To teach Kirk how to do the salute properly he would have to touch his hands. _Does he know what he is asking?_

Still, either way, it is a way to get closer to the captain, and thus ascertain whether his emotions towards Kirk are genuine. "I would not be averse to that. Perhaps tonight, after chess?"

Kirk's grin is blinding. "Absolutely."

* * *

Kirk runs into Uhura as he is deciding what to have for lunch and can't resist following her back to her table, sitting down opposite. "I take it you want something?" she asks, looking up from her meal.

"I want to know why you broke up with Spock."

"I think you should talk to _him_." She looks down at her plate, avoiding Kirk's gaze.

"You think I haven't tried that?" Kirk says, ignoring the voice in his head telling him to leave well enough alone. "You two seemed happy. What happened?"

She absently moves her food around her plate. "We _were_ happy. Everything was fine." She looks up at him. "But when you're in a relationship with someone, things should really be better than 'fine'."

"So there's no chance of the two of you getting back together?" Kirk asks. He wants Spock to be happy, but he can't help the part of him that is selfish enough to hope she says no.

"I really doubt it." Uhura narrows her eyes. "Why are you so interested, anyway?"

Kirk blinks, mind working furiously. "He's my friend." He stands abruptly and leaves the cafeteria before she can ask anything else, forgetting that he hasn't eaten yet.

If Uhura and Spock really _are _broken up, then maybe he has a chance. He has a sudden urge to talk to his counterpart, and heads towards sickbay.

He doesn't find them there, but he does find McCoy. Kirk decides he can put off his conversation with his counterpart for a little while, and besides, he kind of wants his best friend's opinion on the whole situation.

"You know Uhura and Spock have broken up?" he begins, flopping down in his usual chair in McCoy's office.

"I'd heard a rumour." McCoy stares at him. "Does this mean you're going to _do_ something about your ridiculous crush on the hobgoblin?"

"I do _not_ have a _crush_," Kirk protests.

McCoy shrugs. "Call it what you want."

Kirk glares at him, then sighs in defeat. "What do you think I should do?"

"How'n the hell should I know? I'm a doctor, not a relationship counsellor."

Kirk chews on a thumbnail as he thinks. "They've _just_ broken up. It seems kind of tacky to come on to him now."

McCoy gives him a look. "Remember Sarah Miller? You slept with her about _six hours _after she broke up with her boyfriend."

Kirk frowns and waves a hand. "This is different."

McCoy raises his eyebrows. "I'm intrigued."

Kirk pushes back the chair until he's balancing on two legs. "It's just… with the other him and me. That's what we could have, if I don't screw this up." He lets the chair crash forward. "It's like I've been given a glimpse of the future."

"Did you learn anything useful from your talk with them?"

Kirk smiles. "They seem really happy. And they have this Vulcan bond thing that sounds kind of awesome."

"'Vulcan bond thing'?"

Kirk shrugs. "I don't know what it's actually called, but it's probably the reason that Old Spock's still alive. The other me could feel that he needed help." He leans forward. "You know how it seems like they can read each other's minds? Well, they actually _can_."

McCoy frowns. "Sounds like hell to me."

"Well, _I_ think it's cool."

McCoy rolls his eyes. "You would."

Kirk slaps his hands down on the desk decisively. "I'm gonna go talk to my counterpart," he says, standing up. "See if he has any advice." He can't resist the opportunity to make McCoy uncomfortable, so adds, "Or any tips for seducing stubborn Vulcans."

His friend sighs heavily. "If you learn any, do me a favour and _don't tell me_."

Kirk smirks. "You got it."

As he walks to the elder Spock's cabin, Kirk can't help thinking about the differences between himself and his counterpart. He'd always assumed that the alternate him must have had a better life than his own – after all, he'd had a father who'd actually lived past the first ten minutes of his life. But then he'd gone and looked up Tarsus IV and started to think that maybe he was wrong. (Because Kirk's childhood had pretty much _sucked_, but nothing in it compares to witnessing the massacre of 4000 people at the age of thirteen.) He remembers the haunted look in Jim's eyes, and no longer feels jealous.

It isn't until he buzzes for entry at the ambassador's quarters that it occurs to Kirk that he might be interrupting something. Nonetheless, the door opens almost instantly. He pokes his head inside, and sees the elder Spock sitting cross-legged on the floor, apparently meditating. Kirk looks round for his counterpart and, finding him sitting on the bed, wanders over, trying not to disturb Spock. "Hey. Can we talk?"

Jim stands up. "Sure; I was getting a little bored, anyway. Plus Spock keeps complaining that I'm distracting him."

"You have not convinced me that it is not intentional, Jim," comes the response from the other side of the room. Kirk turns to see the elder Spock regarding them both warmly. His eyes are drawn to the medical bracelet attached to Spock's wrist; clearly, sickbay is still keeping tabs on him.

Jim walks over to him and crouches down until they're face to face. "Are you going to be okay on your own?" he asks quietly.

"I will be fine." Kirk gets the sense that they're communicating telepathically again as he watches.

Eventually Jim nods and stands. "Right. We'll leave you to your meditation, then."

As they leave the cabin, Kirk says, "My quarters?"

"If you want. I admit I'm curious to see how they've changed."

Kirk leads the way through the corridors. When they get to his quarters, he taps in the code and gestures for his counterpart to enter.

He sits down on the bed as Jim explores the room, showing particularly interest in the few real books that Kirk keeps on a shelf over his desk. Eventually, he comes to sit down next to Kirk. "It's not as different as I'd expected; I guess that makes sense."

He rubs his hands together. "I assume you want to talk about Spock?"

"Yeah." Kirk shifts until his back is pressed against the wall. "Uhura broke up with him."

"Really?" Jim frowns. "Is he okay?"

"As far as I can tell." Kirk shrugs. Then, curious, he asks, "Who was Uhura with in your reality?"

Jim laughs. "Oh, no. Spock would kill me if I started telling you about the future." He sighs. "Then again, he'd probably kill me for what I'm about to tell you." He meets Kirk's eyes. "Your Spock. Do you love him?"

Kirk shrugs again, feeling uncomfortable. "I don't know. I like him a lot – enough to want not to screw this up."

Jim stares at him. "Before you do anything, you should know what you're getting into. Vulcans are monogamous, and they bond for life. You have to be certain that you're not going to regret it."

"Did you regret it?" Kirk asks.

"Not for one second." They stare at each other for a moment. "All right, I get your point." Jim sighs. "The only thing I do regret is how long it took us. Maybe you two can get there faster."

Kirk kicks off his shoes and brings his feet up onto the bed. "So what do I need to know?"

"Well, you're starting off with an advantage that I didn't have." Off Kirk's confused look, he adds, "Your Spock already knows what it's like to be in a relationship with a human."

Kirk stares at him blankly. "You're saying the fact that he dated Uhura is a good thing?"

"The fact that he dated _anyone_ is a good thing." Jim sighs. "My Spock never let anyone in like that. That's part of what took us so long. He was so focused on being Super-Vulcan that when he realised he loved me, he had no idea how to deal with it. Your Spock might actually _tell _you about it instead of running away."

Kirk frowns. "I don't even know if he's interested in me, and you're talking about _love_."

"Yeah, I guess I'm reaching a little," Jim concedes. "I just can't believe the timelines have changed so much that it won't happen between you two. I mean, look at this!" Jim gestures at the room. "The same ship, the same crew…." He grins at Kirk. "The same captain. If all of that's the same, I can't see how this won't be."

Kirk can't help grinning back. "You sound so certain."

Jim leans back. "I am. Him and me… it felt _right_. Like we were meant to be together." He taps his fingers against the bedcovers. "Let me ask you something. Does he let you touch him?"

"Yeah."

"And he insists on going with you on away missions? And then does stupid things like get hurt trying to protect you?"

Kirk frowns. "Yeah, he does."

Jim smiles. "Then, from my experience, he's definitely interested in you. Though I don't know if he's figured that out yet." He is silent for a few moments, apparently thinking deeply. "My first piece of advice would be to take it slowly, especially if he's just broken up with someone else. Are you prepared for that?"

Kirk nods. "I think so." He's wanted this, wanted _Spock_ for months now, and now that he actually has a chance he's determined not to screw it up. Maybe McCoy was right and he _does_ have a ridiculous crush. "There's something I've been wondering about," he admits.

"Yes?"

Kirk shifts slightly. "Well, I guess I thought…." He frowns. "Aren't same-sex relationships kind of illogical?"

Jim grins. "I thought the same thing, once. But if you think about it, it's perfectly logical – why limit yourself to only half the population? Same-sex relationships aren't exactly the norm, but there's no stigma against it." Frowning, he adds, "I suppose it might be different now, with the need to repopulate the species, but it shouldn't matter in Spock's case. He can't have kids."

"Because he's half-human?"

"Yeah; they had enough trouble creating a viable human-Vulcan hybrid. Making him fertile wasn't exactly their highest priority."

Kirk has wondered a few times over the past months if Spock might decide to leave them all and go back to New Vulcan; the news that he isn't likely to leave the _Enterprise_ to go make a bunch of pointy-eared babies is something of a relief.

Jim claps his hands together. "Right. Advice. Let's see…. Half the time when he claims to not understand some figure of speech, he's just doing it to mess with people. And any time he starts a sentence with 'Vulcans don't,' bear in mind that he's only half-Vulcan."

"Yeah; I learned that at 'Vulcans don't lie.'"

Jim gives him a few more useful pointers before they move onto other topics. Kirk tells his counterpart about some of their most bizarre and interesting missions, including the one where Spock saved his life. In response, Jim advises him not to accept promotion – apparently it's boring as hell. Kirk has no intention of leaving the _Enterprise_ as long as he has any choice in the matter, but takes the advice to heart anyway.

Finally Kirk quietly brings up the events of the past few days, and finds that Jim's advice actually helps him. "One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you can't save everyone. You have to find some way of dealing with that, or you'll never make it in this job." He meets Kirk's eyes. "What happened wasn't your fault."

"That's what Spock said."

Jim smiles. "He's a smart man." Checking the time, he stands. "I should probably be getting back." He crosses the room and picks a book off the shelf. "Can I borrow this?"

Kirk hesitates; those books belonged to his father. But, of all people, surely he can trust his counterpart. "Yeah, I guess," he says, standing and stretching.

Jim tucks the book under one arm and heads for the door. He pauses just before leaving, and smiles. "Good luck."


	6. Chapter 5 Interlude

**Chapter 5 – Interlude**

It is much easier to achieve a meditative state once Jim has left. Spock would prefer to spend time with his bondmate, especially after being separated from him for so very long, but unfortunately the meditation is necessary. He is still not fully healed from his injury, and, if he does not wish to return to sickbay, he will have to meditate fairly extensively over the next few days. The only other option is a healing trance, which would mean even more time separated from Jim.

There is also the fact that his control is still not back to normal. He can still remember his outburst when he had first woken after his injury; the crippling fear that Jim would leave and he would be alone again. It had been a relief to regain some measure of control, but the fear has not fully gone away, and he does not know whether Jim has noticed.

Spock comes out of the meditative trance to find that half an hour has passed. He briefly considers getting something to eat, but he had promised Jim that he would stay in the room. Jim's overprotectiveness is slightly irritating, but he cannot say that he would not do the same if their positions were reversed. He fingers the medical sensor around his wrist and then picks up a PADD off one of the desks and decides to work on his speech for the conference.

He is at work for less than fifteen minutes when Jim returns. He leans over Spock's shoulder, the way he had always done when they worked together.

"Can I distract you now?" Jim murmurs into his ear.

Spock lays down the PADD and turns to face him. "I am very busy, Jim," he responds sternly, trying to keep a straight face.

Jim stares at him. Spock manages to keep his face expressionless for 24 seconds before his lips twitch and Jim grins. "Y'know, you actually had me going there for a second." He rests his hands on Spock's shoulders for a moment, then goes to sit on the bed.

Spock moves to sit beside him. "What did Jim want to discuss with you?"

"Can I just say that it's very strange to hear you say that?" Jim runs his fingers gently across Spock's.

"It is a very strange situation. And you haven't answered my question."

"He wanted to talk about the younger you. Apparently he and the lovely Ms Uhura are no longer involved."

Spock raises an eyebrow. "Indeed?"

"Yep." Jim's fingers move from Spock's hand to his ear, and he leans in to press their lips together. The kiss quickly becomes more passionate, and when they part, Jim's cheeks are endearingly flushed. "I think you're wrong about the timelines changing everything. I think it'll work out for them, like it did for us."

Suspicion fills Spock. "What did you tell him?"

"Nothing! I just… gave him some advice."

Spock gives him a disapproving look and deliberately shifts further away. Annoyance sweeps through him; he had specifically asked Jim not to intervene.

Jim runs a hand down his arm. "Don't be like that. I know you want them to figure it out on their own, but do you remember where that got _us_? I figure if we can help them avoid some of the pitfalls we fell into, we have a duty to do so."

Spock sighs. "Jim. We do not have the _right_ to interfere. You are not doing either of them a favour by pushing them together like this."

Jim stares at him. "Why is this so important to you?"

Spock meets his eyes. "It was attempting to deal with my feelings for you that drove me to attempt the _kolinahr_. If someone had forced me to confront those feelings earlier, it would have been a disaster."

Jim's expression softens. "All right, I can understand that. But we've already established that he's not you, and besides, hasn't that ship already sailed? I mean, if he really did see your memories of us-"

"That is no reason to make it worse."

They stare at each other for a moment before Jim gives a half-smile. "How about a compromise? I won't interfere, but if they ask me directly, I'm not going to lie."

Spock considers this and can tell that Jim is sincere. "Very well." He moves closer and entwines their fingers.

Jim grins broadly. "Right; now that that's settled, where were we?"

Spock leans down and kisses him in response. He moves his free hand up under Jim's shirt, feeling the reassuring heartbeat under his palm.

Things are heating up nicely when the sensor on his wrist beeps. Spock can feel Jim's laughter against his shoulder. "All right; I guess this isn't 'resting' in the traditional sense." He gives Spock a rueful look and reluctantly moves further away.

* * *

It isn't long before Spock falls asleep. Jim watches over him for a few minutes, frowning slightly. His bondmate is obviously still drained from the events of the last few days, but Jim knows from experience that he won't be able to get Spock back into sickbay unless he actually drags him there. He doubles his resolve to make sure that Spock gets enough rest over the next few days.

Sighing, Jim gets up carefully, making sure that he doesn't wake Spock. He takes a sonic shower and changes his clothes – the only ones he could replicate are Starfleet uniforms. It feels very strange to be back in the old yellow and black instead of the red uniforms that Starfleet had adopted in the early 2280s.

As he dresses, he thinks about their argument earlier. _Not an argument_, he tells himself,_ a discussion_. He still doesn't quite understand why Spock is so against the idea of giving their younger selves a few pointers. In their universe, when he'd wanted advice on Vulcan-human relationships, he'd asked Amanda. Spock's mother had been invaluable in the early days, when he and Spock were still trying to figure everything out. But that isn't an option here, and so surely the obvious people to consult would be _them_. But he'd made a promise, and is determined to stick to it.

Jim pulls on the gold shirt and sits down on the empty side of the bed. He has borrowed a copy of _Oliver Twist_ from his counterpart and decides to make a start on it. Moving into a comfortable position, he opens the book.

Some time later his concentration is disturbed by the bedcovers shifting. He looks over as Spock sits up, looking slightly puzzled.

"I fell asleep," he says, blinking.

His hair is slightly mussed; Jim smiles at the sight. "I'm not going to hold it against you. I'd prefer if you didn't act like you were fine when you're not, though."

Spock sighs. "I suppose it is pointless to hide it from you."

Jim puts the book down and moves closer. "I won't turn you in to Bones if you promise not to overexert yourself." He runs a hand soothingly through Spock's hair.

Spock appears to be considering this. "Or," Jim continues, "you can spend the next few days back in sickbay."

Spock shoots him a look. "I will attempt not to expend more energy than necessary."

"I'll take that as an agreement." Jim checks the time. "Dinner?"

"That is a good idea."

They head out of the cabin towards the cafeteria. Jim assumes that most of the crew are aware of who he is at this point, as they attract quite a few interested glances. He begins to wish he could have replicated some civilian clothes.

In the cafeteria, they order their meals and then sit down together at a corner table. "We seem to be attracting some attention," Spock notes quietly.

Jim glances around the room. There are several people rather openly staring, although they look away when he makes eye contact. He turns back to Spock. "I know this is the _Enterprise_, but meeting an alternate version of your commanding officer doesn't happen every day. They're just curious."

"You do remember your promise?"

"Which one?" At Spock's look he sighs. "_Yes_, I remember. You don't have to worry. I'm not going to tell them about the future."

Spock gives him a small smile. "I doubt it would make a tremendous difference if you did, but it is better to be safe."

At that point, a beaming man in a red shirt stops by their table. "Hey, are you from the future as well, then?" he says in a thick Scottish accent.

"You wouldn't happen to be Montgomery Scott?" Jim asks, raising his eyebrows.

"Aye, tha's me. I tell you, the other me must've been really somethin'." He addresses Spock. "The equation you gave me for transwarp beaming – it's a truly masterful piece o' theory."

"Equation for transwarp beaming?" Jim asks, and watches with interest as a slight green flush appears on Spock's cheeks.

"It was necessary," Spock says, carefully avoiding Jim's eyes.

"Oh, aye," Scotty agrees. "Couldn'a saved the Earth without it." He leans in. "I don' suppose you have any more equations like tha'?"

"I'm afraid not," Jim says.

"Shame, shame. Still, good to meet you." With that, Scotty disappears.

Jim studies Spock for a moment, eyebrows raised. "What was that you were saying about not giving them future knowledge?"

Spock finally looks up. "As I said, it was necessary. I did not give him any information that was not absolutely vital to the mission of saving Earth."

"I'm not arguing with that. But that equation will change a lot of lives," Jim points out. "The universe has changed so drastically - it doesn't seem like it'll matter that much if we do tell them about the future. Hell, most of our knowledge is probably useless now."

Spock is silent for a few moments. "You may have a point. My instinct, however, is still to avoid direct interference." He meets Jim's eyes. "If there comes a time where speaking up will save as many lives as the transwarp beaming equation, I may rethink my position."

Jim nods. "I understand, but it's hard to sit by and just let it all happen."

"We have no proof that the alternative would not be even worse." Spock goes back to his meal, and Jim assumes that the conversation is closed.


	7. Chapter 6 Connection

**Chapter 6 – Connection**

Spock arrives at Kirk's quarters promptly at 21:00. He enters when the door opens and immediately notices that the temperature is set to a much higher level than ship-normal. Clearly Kirk is attempting to make him feel more comfortable, and Spock is touched by the gesture.

Kirk is sitting in his customary seat at the desk. He is wearing a blue T-shirt, presumably due to the heat, and Spock notes that it is the same colour as Kirk's eyes. Kirk holds out both fists as Spock approaches. "Pick one."

"Right."

Kirk opens his right fist to reveal a white pawn. "Guess you start," he says, placing both pawns back on the board.

Spock sits down opposite and moves one of his pawns to begin the game. Last night was the first time anyone had beaten him at chess in a very long time. He had originally agreed to play against the captain as a way of getting to know him, rather than with any expectation of finding a worthy opponent, and two dozen chess games had not changed his opinion. He had considered stopping the games, but Kirk genuinely seemed to enjoy Spock's company, and there were so few people he could say that about.

As they play, they talk. At their first chess match, Kirk had created a rule that Spock was not allowed to discuss ship's business, pointing out that they could do that anytime. Spock had acquiesced to the demand, although it left him with little to talk about. It ended up not mattering, however – Kirk had a truly impressive array of conversation topics, almost all of them completely pointless and illogical. Tonight, though, he seems particularly interested in Spock.

"Did you love Uhura?" Kirk asks out of the blue.

Spock tenses. "I do not believe that is any of your business."

Kirk immediately backs down. "Yeah, sorry. I just…. You two seemed happy. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what happened." He drums his fingers on the desk. "I talked to her."

Spock raises his eyebrows, privately wondering what Uhura could have told Kirk. "Indeed?"

"Yeah. She wouldn't tell me anything, either; just said it didn't work out."

"Was that the full extent of your conversation?" Spock asks, pretending to study the chessboard.

"Pretty much." Kirk's voice takes on a challenging note. "Why? Was there something else you expected her to say?"

Spock can't help looking up from the board at that, and their eyes meet. For a moment it is as if the rest of the universe disappears, and Spock drags his eyes away, feeling as though something has just shifted radically.

He swiftly moves his attention back to the game, determinedly not looking at Kirk. "Check."

Kirk makes a move almost at random. Spock has no way of knowing if Kirk was as affected by the brief connection as he was, or if this is just another of the captain's illogical moves. Spock wins a few moves later, but through little more than luck; his mind is no longer on the game.

Kirk leans back in his chair. "You were going to show me how to do the salute."

"That is correct," Spock replies reluctantly, suddenly wishing he had not agreed to this.

Kirk seems to pick up on his thoughts. "You don't have to, you know - if you have something better to do."

Spock clamps down on his fear. Whatever this is, the scientist in him demands it be explored more thoroughly. "I have nothing better to do." He moves his chair round so that he is seated next to Kirk, rather than with the desk separating them.

Kirk holds up his right hand. Spock notes that it is shaking ever so slightly, and his heart speeds up at the sight. Clearly Kirk is not unaffected by whatever has passed between them. "Spread your fingers," Spock says quietly.

He watches as Kirk moves his fingers about and eventually resorts to pulling them apart with his left hand. "You make it look so easy," Kirk says, looking down at his hand.

Spock swallows, then takes a deep breath and reaches forward. "Let me help."

The moment his fingers touch Kirk's, it is as if an electrical spark zips between them. Kirk actually gasps, and it is only Vulcan training that prevents Spock from displaying the same reaction. It is nothing like touching Uhura's fingertips, warm and comforting – this is as if every nerve in his body has suddenly come alive.

Kirk pulls his hand away, eyes wide. "What the hell was that?"

Spock shakes his head. "I do not know. It has never happened before." He raises his eyes to meet Kirk's. "Was it unpleasant?"

Kirk shakes his head vehemently. "Definitely not unpleasant." He bites his lip. "Can we try it again?"

Wordlessly Spock reaches out his hand and lets Kirk press their fingertips together. The sensation is less overwhelming now that he is expecting it. After a moment he realises that he can sense Kirk's emotions through the touch. He makes an attempt to shield from them, but it is surprisingly difficult. The emotions are jumbled, but one comes through clearly: _desire_.

The idea that Kirk might desire him is a surprise, but more so to Spock is his own reaction, because at that moment he wants nothing more than to extend their contact. He moves his fingers against Kirk's in a caress, watching the way the human's pupils dilate.

Then it suddenly occurs to him what he is doing, and he abruptly pulls his hand away and stands up.

Kirk blinks a few times and then stands. Spock moves back a few steps, feeling a twinge at the hurt expression on Kirk's face.

They stare at each other for a moment before Kirk looks away. "I'm sorry," he says quietly. "You can leave if you want."

Spock attempts to gather his thoughts. "Jim, I am not objecting to…" - he waves a hand - "…this. I merely need some time to adjust to the situation."

Kirk's expression brightens, and he runs a hand through his hair. "Yeah; I probably need some time myself." He smiles. "Another game of chess, then?"

"Certainly."

Spock notices that Kirk deliberately brushes their fingers together several times during the game and eventually feels the need to point out, "Are you aware of what this means between Vulcans?"

Kirk looks a little guilty. "Yeah, actually. Bones told me."

Interesting. So the captain _had _been aware of what asking for help with the salute would mean. Spock wonders how long Kirk has desired him - and when, exactly, the idea of Kirk desiring him became so appealing.

This time, the game ends in a draw.

- - - - - -

The next day, when Spock enters the bridge, Kirk turns in his chair and gives him a beaming smile; Spock can feel his heart speed up at the sight. He holds Kirk's gaze for just a moment longer than usual before proceeding over to his station. Last night is still fresh in his mind, and as he passes Uhura, he feels a flash of guilt. He tells himself it is illogical – she was the one who ended their relationship – but her implied acceptance of a hypothetical relationship between him and Kirk does not necessarily point to her acceptance of an actual one.

The shift is uneventful, and Spock has plenty of time to consider his next move. He now has proof that the captain is attracted to him, but that means little. Kirk is well known for his sexual exploits, and Spock has no wish to be one in a long line. On the other hand, Kirk's response when Spock had moved away, and his easy agreement when Spock had asked for time to adjust, speak to deeper feelings.

And then there is the matter of their counterparts.

Spock again considers his elder self's memories. Their counterparts had been as close as two people could possibly be; had shared everything. Their relationship had lasted for years, and it seems that even death could not stop it. Spock still has his doubts that he and Kirk could develop a relationship of that intensity, but finds he is willing to make the attempt.

When lunchtime rolls around, he is surprised to see Kirk appearing next to his chair. "I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me?" Kirk asks quietly.

The few times that Kirk had asked in the past Spock had always declined, unless there had been urgent business to discuss. But this time is different, and after a moment, Spock accepts. The grin that Kirk gives him as they move towards the turbolift together convinces him that it was the right choice.

As the lift descends, Kirk turns to him and takes a deep breath. "Okay; cards on the table."

Spock blinks at the idiom, and watches as Kirk seems to focus on a point somewhere over his left shoulder. "I just wanted to say that I…." He swallows. "I like you a lot, and if you want to go slowly with this, I can do that." Kirk finally makes eye contact. "I just… thought you should know."

Spock feels a warmth in his chest, and struggles slightly with his response. "Jim. I am fond of you as well." He reaches forward and presses his fingers against Kirk's, feeling the same spark as before. Then he goes a step further, and gently entwines their fingers.

Kirk's face lights up. "I want to kiss you."

"You _are_ kissing me," Spock points out, raising his eyebrows.

Kirk slaps Spock lightly on the shoulder with his free hand. "I meantthe_ human_ way."

At that moment, the doors open and Kirk pulls his hand away. Spock leans in as they proceed down the corridor. "Perhaps tonight," he murmurs, and allows the corners of his mouth to twitch upwards very slightly at the expression on Kirk's face.

* * *

After their little scene in the turbolift, it is difficult for Kirk to keep his mind on the job. Fortunately, the region of space they are currently travelling through is empty and extremely boring, which means that his full concentration isn't needed.

He can still feel the way his whole body had tingled when Spock had touched his hand. Kirk remembers that Spock had mentioned that nothing like that had happened before, and the idea that this is something unique to the two of them gives him embarrassingly warm and fuzzy feelings. (He makes a mental note to not tell McCoy, or he'll never hear the last of it.)

He'd gone to see his best friend earlier in the day, but there'd been some kind of accident in engineering and McCoy had had his hands full with burns and other injuries. Kirk had stayed long enough to make sure that no one was seriously injured and the incident hadn't affected the engines, and left before McCoy could yell at him for getting in the way. In a way, he's relieved that he didn't get the chance to tell McCoy about the situation with Spock; he quite likes the idea of keeping it secret for a while.

As Kirk sets up the chessboard for their game, he wonders if the feeling when he and Spock touch has anything to do with what the elder Spock had told him about their minds being particularly attuned. He resolves to ask his Spock about it later, if they don't get distracted. Of course, the thought of distracting Spock sends his mind to very interesting places, and he reels it back reluctantly. They'd agreed to go slowly.

Still, a man could dream.

Kirk is startled out of his musings by the buzzer. Shaking his head, he presses the button to open the door, and watches as Spock steps in and lets the door slide closed behind him. Kirk stares at him for a moment; Spock is still in his uniform. They've been working together for the better part of a year now and he doesn't think he's _ever_ seen Spock out of uniform. "Do you actually _own _any other clothes?" he blurts.

Spock looks down at his blue shirt. "I own many articles of clothing. I merely do not see the logic in expending time changing out of my uniform when there are other tasks to attend to."

"Well, I'd like to see you out of uniform sometime," Kirk muses, then blinks. "That didn't come out right." Spock raises an eyebrow and Kirk feels his cheeks heat up. "What I _meant_ was that you could wear something else next time." He shakes his head and smiles. "_Anyway_. I'm glad you're here."

Kirk steps forward and extends a hand, expecting Spock to press their fingers together like he had before. Instead, he takes hold of Kirk's hand and gently curls all but the index and middle fingers against the palm. Then he presses his own index and middle fingers against Kirk's.

"This is a common gesture of affection between Vulcan partners," Spock explains, then drops his hand.

"Can you read my mind when you do that?" Kirk asks, eyes flicking from his hand to Spock's face.

"In theory. In practice, it is much easier to read emotions than thoughts." Spock raises his eyebrows. "I confess that your emotions are particularly difficult to shield from."

"Is that a problem?" He hadn't considered that he might be _hurting_ Spock.

"It does not bother me unduly. I merely wished you to be informed – some humans have a particular aversion to the idea." Spock frowns slightly.

Kirk wonders if he's talking about anyone in particular. "If it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother me." He moves closer, putting on his best flirtatious expression. "You said I could kiss you."

Something in Spock's face shifts, and his eyes light up with something akin to mischief. "I will make you a deal. If you can best me at chess, I will allow you one kiss."

"Just one?" Kirk pouts.

"I believe the phrase is 'wait and see.'" Spock looks almost smug.

Kirk shrugs. After the first kiss, it shouldn't be difficult to get Spock to agree to more. "All right; you're on." He moves over to the desk and sits down. "But I get to be white."

Kirk uses his usual strategy of completely illogical moves. At the end of the game he's not completely certain that Spock didn't let him win, and wonders idly if chess is a kind of Vulcan foreplay or something. "Well, I guess you owe me a kiss," he says, stretching.

Spock stands up gracefully; Kirk does the same, rather less gracefully. He steps out from behind the desk and then forward, into Spock's personal space. Spock's face is expressionless, but his eyes are warm. Kirk reaches up into Spock's hair, marvelling at how soft it is. He takes a breath, and then presses their lips together softly.

Kirk's kissed a lot of people in his time, but those have never been like this. It's like the first time their fingers touched, times ten. He can't keep from deepening the kiss, and feels Spock's hands on his back. He slides his own hand until he can caress one pointy ear with his thumb. Spock makes a small noise of contentment, and Kirk swiftly raises his other hand to do the same with the other ear.

When they finally break apart, it takes Kirk a few moments to get his breath back. "Sure you don't want to do that again?" he asks, noticing a very faint green flush to Spock's cheeks.

"It was not unpleasant," Spock manages, attempting to act aloof and failing miserably. "I would not be averse to a repeat performance."

Kirk grins broadly and leans in again. This time he pushes Spock backwards until they are pressed against the wall. He can feel himself harden as he moves his hands down to Spock's hips and can't help but let out a groan when Spock takes hold of his shoulders, gently pushing him away.

They stare at each other for a moment, panting. "Jim," Spock begins, and then pauses, as if searching for words.

Kirk groans again, this time at himself. "Am I moving too fast?" He gives Spock a plaintive look. "I'm sorry. You're very hard to resist."

"I think we should discuss this," Spock tells him sternly, though one corner of his mouth twitches upwards.

Kirk takes a few seconds to think about deeply unsexy things. "Okay." He sits down on the bed, noticing the look Spock is giving him. "Will you sit down? I promise not to ravish you."

Spock raises an eyebrow, but sits. Kirk watches as he presses his palms together before turning to make eye contact. "For Vulcans, sexual activity is extremely intimate – much more so than for humans. It is impossible to engage in intercourse without some degree of telepathic contact. Because of this, casual relationships are extremely rare."

Kirk considers the idea of having to share his mind with everyone he's slept with. It's a deeply unpleasant thought. "I guess that makes sense."

"Additionally, sexual activity outside of a marital bond is almost unheard of," Spock continues.

Kirk blinks in surprise. "But I thought you and Uhura…?" he starts, then winces; someday this habit of speaking before he thinks is going to get him into trouble.

Thankfully Spock doesn't seem offended by the question. "You are correct; my relationship with Lieutenant Uhura did have a sexual component." Kirk's confusion must be showing on his face because Spock continues quietly, "I am half-human. I believed it would be… logical to experience a full human relationship. However, Lieutenant Uhura and I were involved for some time before our relationship became sexual."

"Is she the only person you've been with?" Kirk asks curiously.

Spock nods. "I assume your own number is somewhat higher," he remarks dryly, raising an eyebrow.

"You could say that." Kirk reaches out and takes Spock's hand. "But it doesn't mean I'm not serious about this. I meant what I said before: if you want to go slowly, I can do that." He grins sheepishly. "You might have to remind me once or twice, though."

Spock shifts his hand and gently rubs their fingertips together. "I admit you are not the only one finding it difficult to resist, Jim," he says quietly. "The… connection we appear to share affects my ability to shield from your emotions when we touch. I can feel your desire in addition to my own."

"Yeah, I might have a theory about that; I've been meaning to mention it." Kirk runs his free hand through his hair. "The other you said that our minds might be… attuned. Compatible. Apparently theirs are." He looks at Spock. "I thought that might be what's causing this connection between us."

Spock appears to consider this, letting go of Kirk's hand. "It is certainly a possibility. However, the only way to be certain would be with a mindmeld."

"That's another thing. He said if you ever melded with me, we should be really careful. Apparently there's a danger of some kind of link forming between our minds."

Spock raises an eyebrow. "I find it unlikely that our minds are thatcompatible."

Kirk shrugs. "I'm just telling you what he told me. And according to the other me, it happened to them."

Spock's eyebrows shoot up. "Our counterparts formed a mind link _accidentally_?" He is silent for a while. "I would like to meld with you. However, in light of this information, it seems wise to consult with my counterpart first."

Kirk nods slowly. In the back of his mind he wonders if this mind link would actually be such a bad thing; after all, the elder Spock had said that it had saved their lives several times. But he pushes the thought away – there'll be plenty of time to discuss it all later. "Sounds like a plan," he agrees.

"I will speak with my counterpart tomorrow," Spock promises. "And I would like to tell Lieutenant Uhura about our relationship. She deserves to hear it from me."

"She's not going to kill me, is she?" Kirk asks, more than a little nervous. Uhura may be something of a friend now, but the news that Kirk is dating her ex-boyfriend might change that.

"I assume you are speaking figuratively?"

Kirk snorts. "Yeah. I'm fairly sure she's not actually going to _kill _me; for one thing, it'd break about twenty Starfleet regulations." He makes an attempt at rephrasing. "Is she going to hate me for this?"

"It is unlikely." Spock looks slightly uncomfortable. "I believe she is, to some degree, already aware."

Kirk assimilates this. "Does this have anything to do with why she broke up with you?"

Spock pointedly does not look at Kirk, but the edges of his lips twitch upwards as he replies, "I have no comment on the matter."

* * *

Spock finds himself illogically reluctant to leave the captain's quarters. They talk for a long time, slowly but surely getting to know one another better. It is surprisingly easy to talk to Kirk, and Spock finds that he is willing to share parts of his life with the other man that he has never shared with anyone else. Perhaps this is because Kirk knows how it feels to be constantly judged and found wanting – Spock in comparison to his full-blooded classmates and Kirk in comparison to his father. They have a lot in common, and Spock marvels that he had not realised it before.

He meditates before retiring, though he has difficulty clearing his mind sufficiently to attain the deeper levels. He remembers how Kirk's mouth had felt pressed against his, how Kirk's fingers had felt on his ears, and hastily stops that train of thought, frowning.

It has never before been this difficult to suppress his desire; there is something about this particular human that calls to him. Spock considers what Kirk had said about their minds being compatible. It does make a certain amount of sense, and would explain why he has felt drawn to Kirk since they met – even at the beginning, when he wanted nothing more than to bring the irritating, insolent cadet down to size.

Spock eventually manages to put the situation with Kirk out of his mind and achieve a full meditative state. He feels considerably calmer when he emerges and begins to get ready for bed. But, even in his dreams, he is confronted by blue eyes and a blinding grin.

Spock arrives early for his shift the next day and finds the captain's chair empty. Uhura, however, is already there, sitting at her station. She is absorbed in her work and does not look up until he says her name. He feels a fondness for her; her dedication to her work had been one of the things that had brought them together.

"There is something I wish to discuss with you later," Spock says quietly.

She gives him a look that seems to see right through him. "I'm free at lunchtime."

Spock nods. "That is acceptable."

Uhura gives him a tiny smile. "All right then." She turns back to her station and Spock proceeds over to his.

Kirk enters the bridge 8.3 minutes later. Spock turns away from his instruments, and watches as the captain approaches him. "I had a good time last night," Kirk murmurs, leaning in close. Then, louder as he pulls away, "Anything to report, Mr Spock?"

"Nothing of importance, Captain," Spock responds. He lowers his tone. "I will speak with Lieutenant Uhura over lunch."

Kirk frowns. "I'll make sure to be extra careful this afternoon, then." Spock can't entirely tell whether he is joking. At that moment, they are interrupted by Chekov and Sulu exiting the turbolift, arguing loudly about whether fencing was a Russian invention. He and Kirk exchange looks. "Duty calls," Kirk says with a sigh and goes to sit in his chair.

The morning passes slowly with nothing of interest to show for it. Spock passes the time by reviewing data from the Nexus ribbon. He is mildly surprised when lunchtime finally arrives. Standing up, he stretches and strides over to Uhura.

She looks up at his approach, presses a few buttons, then stands. "After you," she says, gesturing towards the turbolift.

Once they are in the turbolift, Spock is unsure how to proceed. It is the first time they have truly spoken since the end of their relationship. "Shall we go to my quarters?" he suggests.

Uhura reaches out and stops the lift. "This is about Kirk, isn't it?" she asks bluntly.

Spock blinks. She doesn't seem particularly upset; more resigned. "Yes." He sighs. "I have recently come to the conclusion that you were correct."

She observes him levelly. "Have you told him?"

Spock can feel his ears heat up. It is an irritating effect of certain emotions and serves as yet another reminder that he is not fully Vulcan. "We are… taking it slowly."

She just looks at him for a moment. "I'm happy for you."

She doesn't _look_ entirely happy, but Spock refrains from commenting. Instead, he merely says, "Thank you," and meets her eyes, willing her to know how much he means it.

Uhura gives a half-smile and reaches out to start up the lift again. "Is that all?" she asks.

Spock nods. "I am gratified that you are taking this so well."

She stares at him, and he sees something flicker briefly in her eyes. "Would it change anything if I wasn't?"

Spock remains silent.

At that moment the doors open and she steps out. "I'll see you later, okay?"

He nods, and watches as she walks away.

- - - - - -

Directly after his shift ends, Spock heads towards his counterpart's quarters. He is admitted as soon as he buzzes for entry and steps inside. He finds them both sitting on the bed; his counterpart holding a PADD, and Jim leaning against him reading a book – a real, paper book. Spock remembers that the captain has a few books like that and wonders if Jim has borrowed it from him.

"Spock," his counterpart says. "What brings you here?"

Spock swallows. "I have come to ask your advice."

Jim straightens up. "I can go get a drink or something, if you two want to talk alone."

Spock considers it for a moment, then shakes his head. "That is not necessary."

"What advice were you looking for?" the elder Spock asks.

Taking a breath, Spock begins, "Jim – the captain – explained to me your theory about our minds being compatible. I wish to know how to safely mindmeld with him."

He watches as they exchange glances. "Is there anything in particular that makes you think your minds are especially compatible?" the elder Spock asks, after a moment.

Spock explains the electric feeling when they touch, and the difficulty he has in shielding from the captain's emotions. By the end of his explanation, his counterpart is nodding slowly.

"It is as I suspected," he says.

"Am I to understand that the same happened between the two of you?" Spock asks.

His elder self exhales. "In a manner of speaking. I was much older than you when Jim and I met and had a great deal more practice at shielding emotions – both my own and others'." His expression softens as he looks at the elder Kirk. "But I will admit he was always particularly difficult to shut out."

He turns back to address Spock. "I must admit that I cannot give you firsthand knowledge. When I attempted a meld, I was unable to prevent a tenuous link from forming between our minds."

"Yes, Jim informed me of that," Spock responds. "_Is_ there a way for me to meld with him safely?"

His counterpart steeples his fingers in thought. "I would suggest – the first time, merely attempting the very lightest brushing of minds. Then, when you are certain of your control, you can probe more deeply." He indicates Jim. "Our first mindmeld was performed under… less than ideal circumstances - and so I didn't have that opportunity."

Spock nods in thought. "I shall attempt it that way, then." He pauses. "Do you have any other advice?"

"Meditation beforehand to bolster your controls. That's all I can suggest."

Spock holds up his hand in the Vulcan salute. "Thank you for your time."

He leaves their quarters and heads towards the science laboratories, thinking deeply. It is slightly disturbing to him how much he is looking forward to touching Kirk's mind, even briefly. If their minds are really so attuned, melding should be a completely unique experience.

With effort, he puts the situation out of his mind and concentrates on his experiments.

* * *

Spock is busy in the labs for most of the evening, so Kirk takes the time to catch up on his reports. It's one of the least interesting parts of being captain, and he's been putting it off for some time, but this thing with Spock has put him in a good mood that even paperwork can't stop.

Still, he's relieved when someone buzzes for entry and he has an excuse to leave it for a while. He lets the person in, and is surprised to find that it's Uhura.

"Uh, hi - I guess," he says, feeling vaguely uneasy.

"I wanted to talk to you," she says without preamble, stepping inside.

"You talked to Spock?" He can't think of any reason she'd be here if she hadn't.

"Yes." She frowns. "Are you serious about this? I don't want him to get hurt."

Kirk considers reminding her who, exactly, had once strangled whom. Instead, he meets her gaze squarely. "I'm completely serious." He realises as he says it that he's talking to the person who once caught him hiding under her roommate's bed, and sighs.

"Look, you don't have to believe me."

"I'd like to believe you, but on the other hand, I actually_ know_ you." She trails her hand along the wall, and Kirk has a sudden vision of pressing Spock up against that same wall. He hopes his face isn't turning red.

Uhura pulls her hand back and continues abruptly, "I want you to know – if you hurt him, I'll castrate you. _Slowly_."

Kirk swallows; it's disconcerting that he can't tell if she's serious. "I think there's a rule against threatening your captain," he says, voice slightly higher than usual.

"It isn't a _threat_, it's a _warning_," she tells him seriously, then turns and strides out of the room. Kirk looks after her, wondering idly if this is why relationships with colleagues are generally considered a bad idea.

He spends the next few minutes wondering if he can get McCoy to threaten Spock. He gives up when he figures McCoy's response would likely be something along the lines of, '_You_ wanted to sleep with the hobgoblin; _you _can deal with the fallout.' Kirk knows his best friend would be the first to step in if he was really in trouble, but if his relationship with Spock ever falls under _that_ heading, Kirk thinks he'll probably have bigger problems.

Sighing heavily, he goes back to his paperwork with even less enthusiasm than before.

- - - - - -

Kirk isn't actually expecting Spock to stop by – he'd said his work in the labs would take all evening – so he's surprised and gratified when he answers the buzzer at around 23:30 and Spock walks in.

"Am I disturbing you?" he asks.

Kirk smiles. "Definitely not." He extends two fingers in the gesture that Spock had taught him, and thinks he's beginning to get used to the tingling sensation when Spock meets them with his own.

"I spoke to my counterpart," Spock says, as their hands drop.

"Really? So what's the news?"

Spock folds his hands behind his back. "The two of them first melded under stressful conditions, and consequently, he was not sufficiently careful. We will likely not have that issue, and he has given me some advice that may help us."

"You mean, explaining where he went wrong?" Kirk takes a moment to ponder just how strange this conversation really is.

"Yes. I must admit that gaining the input of someone who has done this before is most useful." Spock shifts slightly. "We will not have time to attempt it tonight. However, if you are amenable, I would like to begin with the first stage tomorrow evening."

Kirk frowns. "First stage?"

"He suggested starting with a very light meld, to test my control." Spock looks uncomfortable. "But Jim – we do not have to do this, if you would prefer not to. It is not necessary."

Kirk considers this for a few seconds. "But surely it would be better to do it now, so if it ever _does_ become necessary, we won't be unprepared. I mean, you said that was their problem."

Spock raises his eyebrows, and then his lips twitch upwards. "Your logic is sound."

Kirk crosses his arms and gives a mock glare. "Don't say that like you're surprised. I can be very logical."

"And yet you so seldom are." Spock is almost radiating amused smugness. Right now, there's only one sure-fire way to shut the Vulcan up.

Uncrossing his arms, Kirk steps into Spock's personal space and pulls him into a kiss. It's a struggle to keep things from going too far, and when they break apart, he takes a deliberate step backwards.

"Will the mindmeld make the connection between us stronger?" Kirk asks, trying to keep his mind under control.

"I cannot answer that," Spock replies, regret glinting in his eyes.

Kirk runs a hand through his hair and gives a huff of laughter. "It's hard to imagine what that would be like."

They stare at each other in silence for a moment; Spock extends two fingers. "It is late. I should go."

Kirk fights down the impulse to suggest that Spock should stay with him, and at that moment truly realises how important it is to him to have Spock know that he's serious about this. He's fairly sure that if he asked Spock to stay right now, he would, but if he does, it'll be that much harder to convince him that this isn't just about sex.

And so he smiles, pressing his fingertips gently against Spock's. "I'll see you in the morning."

Spock leaves with a nod. Kirk flops down on the bed, his thoughts turning quickly to his mixed feelings about the mindmeld tomorrow. On one hand, given what happens when they touch, melding should be an absolutely incredible experience. On the other hand, he still remembers the ambassador's mindmeld in that cave on Delta Vega, and the almost overwhelming feelings of grief and guilt that had come with it. The insight into just how deeply Vulcans can feel has stayed with him, and he isn't sure he could bear that kind of pain a second time.

Sighing, he pulls himself up and begins to get ready for bed. He doesn't precisely regret not asking Spock to stay, but it is almost impossible to get his mind off the Vulcan. Even before he'd somehow developed his so called 'ridiculous crush' on Spock, it'd been too damn long since he'd actually spent the night with someone. Shore leaves were few and far between, and, though there were a few crewmembers that seemed interested, he hadn't dared do anything that might jeopardise his position. He rubs his hand across his lips, remembering the kiss from last night, and groans.

_I just hope this is worth it_.


	8. Chapter 7 Touching and Touched

**Chapter 7 – Touching and Touched**

The next day is so dull that Kirk actually regrets finishing off his paperwork the night before. He amuses himself by seeing how openly he can ogle Spock without anyone catching on. He stops when Uhura gives him a particularly irritated look and, with a sigh, goes back to staring blankly out of the viewscreen. The shift is _so_ boring that he can actually hear Chekov and Sulu playing Twenty Questions at the navigation console.

He makes a few circuits of the bridge, pausing particularly at the science station, and decides that if there isn't anything that requires his attention, he might as well go see McCoy. He's barely spoken to his friend since their brief conversation a few days ago.

"Mr Spock, you have the conn," he announces with more affection in his tone than he would normally use. Spock looks up and nods in acknowledgement, then goes back to whatever it is he's working on. Kirk smiles and heads down to sickbay.

He finds McCoy in his office. "How's it going, Bones?" he asks, dropping into his usual seat. McCoy actually greets him with something other than vague annoyance, further convincing Kirk that it's been too long since they've spoken.

"I'm telling you, it's been insanity in here over the last week or so. First the wrecked ship, then the ambassador's injury, then the incident in engineering…. How long's it 'til our next shore leave, anyway?"

Kirk thinks for a moment. "That'll be over Christmas."

McCoy grumbles under his breath. "Another six weeks of this. I should demand higher pay."

Kirk laughs, and McCoy's frustrated expression only increases his amusement. "You know," he says when he can breathe again, "you complain that you're a doctor, not a _whatever_, but when you're actually forced to act like a doctor, you complain about _that_ as well."

McCoy scowls. "I'm happy my misery is so amusing to you." He observes Kirk grumpily. "Why do you look so damn smug?"

Kirk grins. "I kissed Spock."

McCoy's eyebrows shoot up. "And he didn't try to strangle you?"

"Nope." Kirk leans back in his chair, smile widening. "I think he wants what the other him and me have, too."

McCoy snorts. "Just remember that this is the guy who marooned you on an ice planet."

"He's also the guy who nearly_ died_ saving my life two months ago," Kirk responds. It comes out a little more sharply than he had intended, and he looks down at the desk. "I really like him, Bones."

"If you're going to get all mushy about it, I'm going to need a drink," McCoy grumbles.

"Can't," Kirk replies. "I'm on duty." He frowns. "So are you."

"Then don't talk about your feelings for the elf and we'll be fine."

Kirk tilts his head exasperatedly. "Would it kill you to use his _name_?"

"Probably." Off Kirk's look, McCoy sighs and adds, "Don't talk about your feelings for _Spock_. There, better?"

"Much better." Kirk leans forward. "Oh, and Uhura threatened me."

"Really."

"Yup. If this thing with Spock doesn't work out, I may need your protection." Off McCoy's dubious look, he adds, "You don't want to know what she threatened to do to me."

McCoy shakes his head. "How do you get yourself into these situations?"

Kirk shrugs. "Must be my winning personality." Resolutely changing the subject, he adds, "So, is there anyone on your radar?"

McCoy shrugs. "I wouldn't say no to Christine Chapel if she asked. She's taken, though. Some guy named Roger."

"Pity," Kirk muses. "You might be less on edge if you were actually getting some." He ignores the look that McCoy sends him.

"Some of us have to manage _without _alternate versions of ourselves willing to offer advice," McCoy points out.

Kirk shrugs, grinning. "Sucks to be you." He stands and stretches. "I guess I should get back to work, though it's the most boring shift in the history of _ever_."

"Don't knock it," McCoy calls as Kirk leaves. "God knows we don't get enough boring shifts around here."

* * *

It takes almost an hour of meditation before Spock can be sure of his control, certain that the barriers around his mind are as strong as possible. Before he leaves his quarters, he changes into a black shirt and pants, remembering Kirk's words from a few days ago.

Kirk greets him with, "Hey, you're not wearing your uniform." He looks Spock up and down as the door closes.

"You asked me not to," Spock points out.

"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" Kirk is still looking at him. "You look good." He appears to realise he is staring and quickly looks away. "So, how does this work, then?"

"It will help if you make yourself comfortable," Spock tells him.

Kirk nods and settles himself on the bed. Spock moves to sit beside him; for a moment, they just stare at each other.

"Will you be able to see all my memories?" Kirk asks quietly.

"This first meld will be very light. I will not be looking at any of your memories." Spock pauses. "But, for future reference, if there is anything you do not wish me to see, imagine a door closing, or a curtain being pulled. I will not look."

"How many times have you done this?"

Spock thinks for a moment and decides that Kirk deserves the truth. "Never with a human."

Kirk looks surprised. "You never melded with Uhura?"

"I was attempting to cultivate a human relationship. Mindmelds were not a part of that." In truth, Spock isn't certain why he never attempted this with Uhura. It had just never seemed necessary.

"I'd ask if it's safe, but I know you wouldn't be doing it if you thought I could get hurt." Kirk gives a small smile.

Spock is rendered speechless for a moment at the captain's trust in him. "I am gratified that you think so," he eventually manages.

Kirk shrugs, looking away.

"Are you ready?"

"No time like the present." Kirk shifts towards him slightly.

Spock reaches forward and carefully positions his fingertips on Kirk's face. Breathing deeply, he checks his controls one last time. "My mind to your mind; my thoughts to your thoughts," he murmurs.

Spock slips into Kirk's mind as though it was made for him. He had not believed this kind of compatibility could be possible; he can now understand why his counterpart had found it so difficult to avoid a link.

Kirk's mind is full of colours, bright yellow and red. Spock is reminded of fire and immediately sees his own mind as water – deep blues and greens. They complement each other perfectly. Spock can feel Kirk's essence all around him; can feel Kirk's awe and wonder at the situation. He is marvelling at the experience himself when he hears Kirk's voice in his mind.

_This is amazing. Is it always like this?_

_It has never been like this before._

Will_ it always be like this, for us?_

_I do not know._ Spock suddenly begins to feel Kirk's mind pulling at his own. _I must end the meld._

_Already?_ Kirk's disappointment comes through clearly.

_If I stay any longer, a link will start to form._ Spock can understand why Kirk is unhappy at the situation; he, too, would like to further explore this fascinating mental world. For an instant he wonders if it would be so bad to let a link form between them – and, shocked, begins to pull out of Kirk's mind.

_No!_ Kirk's essence suddenly seems to surround him, and Spock finds that he cannot separate his own mind from his captain's. Kirk has apparently done the mental equivalent of grabbing hold of Spock and holding on tight. Confusion and alarm sweep through Spock; this should not be possible; he had always been told that humans were psy-null; why hadn't his counterpart _warned_ him?

_Jim, you must stop this, _he orders desperately.

Kirk's response is an almost incomprehensible blur of thoughts and emotions;

_confusioncan'tdon'tknowhowfeardon''tmakemeleave_

Spock is fairly certain that Kirk does not even know what he is doing, but he can feel the link forming, filling in the pathways left when his link with T'Pring had been severed. He tries, once more, to keep the inevitable from happening, and is unsuccessful.

Finally Kirk calms down enough for Spock to disconnect them. He slowly removes his fingers from Kirk's face, and finds to his dismay that he can still feel the human's emotions in the back of his mind. For a moment all they can do is stare wordlessly at each other.

"What just happened?" Kirk asks, eyes wide.

Spock struggles for words. "I believe you have just created a mind link between us."

"What?" He looks at Spock apologetically, practically radiating discomfort. "I didn't mean to. I just… I've never felt anything like that before. I didn't want it to end." He looks down sheepishly. "Then everything got kind of mixed up."

Frowning, he adds, "How could _I_ do this? I'm not a telepath."

"I know," Spock replies. "It should not be possible."

Kirk laughs humourlessly. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've done the impossible." He glances at Spock, then drops his head into his hands. "What does this mean?" Groaning, he adds, "_Please_ tell me I haven't just accidentally married us."

"A mind link is different from a marriage bond," Spock reassures him. "In Vulcan terms, it is more like an engagement."

"I'm not sure how much of an improvement that is." Kirk sighs, looking up. "Can it be broken?"

"Yes. However, we would need to avoid melding or the link would likely reform."

Kirk is silent for a moment, apparently considering this.

"So, what…. What would happen if we kept it?"

Spock frowns; this is a question that requires complete honesty. He wishes that he could give Kirk different news as he replies, "A marriage bond is generally created by consummation of the mind link."

He feels a wave of shock and dismay from Kirk. "You mean we can't have sex? At all?"

"Not without creating a permanent bond between us."

Kirk runs his hands through his hair. "Maybe someone should've told me that before." He meets Spock's eyes, his disappointment equalling Spock's own. "What do we do now?"

Spock can only think of one option. "I believe this may be something to discuss with our counterparts."

Kirk blinks. "You mean together?"

"Ideally."

Kirk takes a deep breath. "Okay. What time is it?"

Spock doesn't bother to look at the clock. "21:35."

Kirk snorts. "I wish I could do that." He stands and stretches. "Might as well get it over with."

- - - - - -

Their counterparts are playing chess. Watching them, Spock begins to understand where Kirk had learned to beat him. Jim is a particularly adept player and, as he turns to greet them, the elder Spock reaches forward and tips his king in defeat.

"Well, this is a surprise," Jim says, smiling. "Both of you, together."

Spock glances at Kirk, and their eyes meet. Spock is the first to look away; this is no time to get distracted.

"I assume you have attempted the mindmeld?" the elder Spock asks.

Spock nods. "We appear to have formed a mind link." He folds his hands behind his back.

Kirk raises a hand hesitantly. "It might've been my fault."

The elder Spock raises an eyebrow. "How was it your fault?"

Kirk shuffles his feet. "Well, I sort of tried to stop him from ending the meld, and then…" – he waves a hand – "…_this _happened."

The ambassador frowns, glancing at Jim. "Interesting. I had always assumed that our accidental connection was due to an error on my part. If I'd known this was a possibility, I would have advised you differently."

"Spock did speculate once that I had some latent telepathic abilities," Jim says thoughtfully. "Have you decided what you're going to do about the link?"

"We hoped you would be able to offer some advice," Spock replies.

"If you wish to break it, I would do so sooner rather than later," the elder Spock tells them.

Kirk frowns. "Spock said if we break the link, we wouldn't be able to meld again without it reforming."

"Based on the events of today, I would assume that's correct."

"How do we break it?"

"There are healers who can perform the ritual," Spock tells him. "There will likely be one on Babel."

Kirk chews on his lip, apparently deep in thought. "And what if we don't break it? Aside from what we've already discussed."

Spock considers this. "Logically, it could prove to be a great asset. The ability to know if the other was in danger or otherwise in need of help."

Kirk nods. "Okay."

"There were many times when it was useful to us," Jim puts in.

Something occurs to Spock then. "How long did you have the mind link before it became a bond?"

The elder Spock thinks for a moment. "Five-point-seven years."

Spock can see Kirk's jaw drop. "You didn't have sex in all that time?"

Jim looks particularly amused. "We weren't together during that time." He glances at the elder Spock. "It took us a lot longer than you two to figure it out."

Kirk sits down on the edge of the bed. Spock hesitates, then sits down next to him.

"Would it still be possible to break the link if it were to become a bond?" Spock asks. He is not hopeful, but decides it is worth asking.

The elder Spock sighs. "Most bonds can be dissolved by a healer, with some effort. However, the particular bond that Jim and I share is very strong. It can only be broken by the death of a partner."

"Or their complete removal from time and space," Jim adds.

"Well, that's less than ideal," Kirk says, frowning. "Looks like we have two choices. We can break the link and avoid melding, or we can keep the link and avoid sex."

Spock notes that he actually seems to be considering the latter option, rather than immediately dismissing it. He allows himself to consider the possibility and finds that it is not an entirely unpleasant idea. There is something indescribably _right_ about having Kirk's presence in the back of his mind.

"I regret that we cannot be of more help," the ambassador tells them with regret. "This is a decision you will have to make on your own."

* * *

Kirk finds it particularly difficult to get to sleep that night. He lies awake for hours, the conversation with their counterparts going round and round in his mind. If he wants to avoid a bond with Spock, they'll either have to avoid melding or avoid sex. Neither option seems attractive. The idea that they wouldn't have this problem if they were less compatible seems particularly unfair.

He attempts, albeit reluctantly, to look at the situation from all angles. Spock had said that Vulcans didn't generally have sex outside of a bond anyway and, apparently, their counterparts hadn't been an exception. Kirk frowns. He supposes he had agreed to go slowly, but waiting until _marriage_ isn't quite what he'd meant. It's pretty unlike him to be even considering this, but somehow… Spock is different.

When he'd met the elder Spock in that cave on Delta Vega and been told about the lifelong friendship that they'd had in that timeline, Kirk had known that he wanted that. After he'd actually spent time with Spock, he'd begun to want it even more, and had tried everything he could think of to make it happen. And then two months ago, Spock had nearly died protecting him, and Kirk had been forced to admit that maybe Spock's _friendship_ wasn't all he wanted.

And now, he has everything that he had wished for potentially in his grasp. When they'd melded, it'd been the first time in his life that he hadn't felt alone. If he concentrates, he can feel Spock very faintly in the back of his mind, and when Kirk thinks about breaking the link and not having that anymore, it actually _aches_.

And suddenly, everything falls into place. The decision he comes to goes against everything he believed about himself, and yet, as he falls asleep, Kirk thinks that he couldn't possibly have made a different one.

- - - - - -

The next morning he wakes early, intending to intercept Spock before he goes to breakfast. When the door to Spock's cabin opens, he looks at Kirk in surprise. "Jim. What brings you here?"

"Can we talk?" Kirk asks.

Spock raises an eyebrow and moves aside.

Kirk glances around the room. He's only been in Spock's quarters a couple of times before, and those times it was strictly business. He sits down on the bed, hands in his lap.

Spock remains standing, hands behind his back. "What is it that you wish to discuss?"

Kirk twists his fingers together, looking down at them determinedly. "Us."

At that, Spock comes to sit next to him. "It is a difficult decision to make."

Kirk gives a huff of laughter. "That's the thing, though. It wasn't a difficult decision. It probably should have been, but it _wasn't_."

He looks Spock squarely in the eyes. "I want to keep the link."

Spock frowns. "You are aware of what you are agreeing to? We will need to abstain completely from sexual relations if we wish to remain unbonded."

"Yeah, and I was up half of last night thinking about it. But I figure we can always break it later, if we want to, and I knew when I started this that it might mean going slowly." Kirk holds Spock's gaze, willing him to understand. "Don't get me wrong; I _want_ to have sex with you, but… I think I want this more. I'm willing to do this, if you are."

Spock's eyes soften. "I must admit… I also wish to keep the link."

Kirk smiles. "So we're really doing this?"

His smile grows wider as Spock reaches over and entwines their fingers. "Are you certain that this is what you want?" Spock asks quietly.

Kirk squeezes his hand gently. "Yes."

Spock trails the fingers of his free hand down Kirk's face. "Then… I wish to meld with you again."

"Me, too."

Spock pulls away abruptly, eyes warm. "Tonight. Right now, we should leave if we are not to be late."

Kirk follows him out of the door, still smiling.

- - - - - -

They stop by to see their counterparts again that night. The elder Spock warns them that the longer they wait and the more they meld, the harder it will be to break the link. But now that the decision is made, Kirk doesn't intend to change his mind. Jim seems thrilled, and the elder Spock also seems pleased, once he is reassured that they really do know what they're getting into. When Kirk reaches out and takes Spock's hand, the ambassador actually smiles. Kirk wonders if he can get his own Spock to do that.

They walk back to Kirk's cabin in silence, but it's a comfortable silence. "Y'know, I think I'm going to miss them," Kirk remarks.

Spock appears to consider this. "I believe I know how you feel."

Kirk bumps his shoulder companionably. "Do you think that'll be us in like thirty years?"

"Perhaps for you. For myself, it would be closer to one hundred and thirty years."

"I meant their relationship, but hey, not many people could look that good at like a hundred and fifty," Kirk says with a grin. He watches with amusement and triumph as Spock's cheeks turn green.

They reach his quarters before the conversation can continue. Kirk taps in the code and gestures for Spock to enter first. Once they are both inside, they just stare at each other. "So, does this mean we're engaged?" Kirk asks.

"By Vulcan custom, yes," Spock confirms. "However, it would perhaps be prudent to keep the news to ourselves for the time being."

Kirk laughs. "Yeah. Though I bet Bones's reaction would be priceless."

He steps forwards and slowly wraps his arms around Spock. "I can't believe we're actually doing this," he mumbles against Spock's shoulder. He feels the Vulcan return the embrace hesitantly, and pulls away a little so he can look him in the eyes.

"How long have you desired me?" Spock murmurs.

Kirk thinks for a moment. "I think… since I first saw you kissing Uhura on the transporter platform. But it didn't really hit home until two months ago." He grips Spock a little tighter. "When I thought you might die" – he takes a deep breath – "I don't think I've ever been so afraid."

Spock presses their foreheads together gently. "I should have realised before."

Kirk slowly begins to pull away. "Do you think – if all this hadn't happened, we'd still be together?"

"I believe that we would, eventually," Spock responds. He takes a step backwards; Kirk gives him a curious look.

"Jim, there is another meaning to the word _t'hy'la_; one I did not share with you before."

Kirk feels his heart speed up. "What is it?" he asks, voice barely above a whisper.

Spock swallows. "The closest Terran equivalent would be 'soulmate'."

There is a small part of Kirk that immediately freaks out over the idea of being anyone's _soulmate_, but the much larger part is filled with wonder and awe. "Really?"

Spock nods, his eyes warm.

Kirk beams at him. "Meld with me?"

He sits down on the bed and taps the space beside him. Spock sits and reaches out, gently resting his fingers on Kirk's face. Kirk closes his eyes and nods. He can hear Spock murmur, "My mind to your mind," and they are, suddenly, together.

It's nothing like last time, all colours and emotions and vague sensations. This meld is like a tour of Spock's mind. Kirk can see Spock's memories, but it's not like a picture album or a holovid - it's as though he's actually _there_, and feeling all of the emotions that Spock has attached to the memories.

Playing with a giant bear-like creature – _a sehlat called I-Chaya_, Spock informs him. Beating up another kid who had insulted his mother; informing the Vulcan Science Academy that he is refusing their offer. _Whoa, you were a _rebel, Kirk thinks in amazement, and feels a ripple of amusement in response.

Joining Starfleet and feeling out of place as one of very few Vulcans; beginning a relationship with Uhura; feeling annoyance and _curiosity_ at the arrogant cadet who has somehow beaten his test. Arguing with that same cadet – Kirk – in front of the entire student body, wondering who this person is that can inspire such emotion in him. _You _really _didn't like me_.

_You did not like me, either_, Spock responds, and Kirk can't really argue with that.

The memories go faster now that they've gotten to the stuff Kirk was actually present for. When they get to Spock's mother's death, there is a wave of pain that makes Kirk wish he knew how to hug people through a mindmeld. Spock seems to appreciate the effort, as the pain diminishes slightly. And then he's seeing the scene on the bridge from Spock's perspective – such anger and grief that he can barely see straight and all he wants is for Kirk to feel some of his pain. _I could have killed you_, he hears Spock think.

_You didn't,_ he sends back, dazed at how guilty Spock still feels about it. _You forgave me for what I said; I forgave you for this_. One of the first things he'd done after the _Narada_ incident had been to track down Spock and apologise. Spock had done likewise and Kirk had thought that they were over it. Apparently not.

The memories from then on slowly become more pleasant. Kirk is reminded of what Spock had said about imagining a door closing when several mental doors close in his face. If he had to guess, he'd say they involved Spock's relationship with Uhura. He's not really sorry to miss out, although he can't help wondering what she looks like naked.

Kirk finds it kind of amazingto feel Spock's emotions towards him from Spock's perspective. _The captain touches him more often than is strictly necessary; their chess matches are barely a challenge and yet he does not wish to stop; his captain is in danger and he reacts without thinking, jumping in front and taking the hit. When he wakes up in sickbay, Uhura is holding his hand, and yet it is Kirk that he searches for and the relief that his captain is uninjured is startling in intensity._

The last memory he is shown is from a few days ago – the situation with Morris and Saunders. Kirk is struck by Spock's concern, and _anger_ that someone had attempted to harm his captain. And as the memories end, he realises that he can feel Spock's present emotions towards him; affection and protectiveness and _desire_. The last is kind of a mixed blessing given their current situation, but Kirk can't help but be thrilled.

_Are you regretting your choice?_ Spock asks tentatively.

_No,_ Kirk responds instantly. _Not that I wouldn't like things to be different, but given the choice we had, I'm not sorry_. By now he's seen most of Spock's memories, and it's probably time to return the favour. _Don't you want to see my memories?_

_He's four and he doesn't understand why his mother is always so sad; he's six and it's the first time someone tells him that he looks like his father; he's nine and his mother is marrying Frank and he doesn't like him at all; he's eleven and his brother is running away from home and he steals his stepfather's car and drives and crashes it and it's the first time he's ever gotten into trouble; he's sixteen and sick of being compared to his father; he's eighteen and has a criminal record as long as his arm; he's twenty-two and taking up Pike's dare to join Starfleet._

There are a few memories that Kirk deliberately blocks, but Spock had shown him a lot of private stuff and it seems only right that he do the same.

_He's meeting McCoy for the first time and wondering if the guy really is going to throw up on him; he's a year into the program and the paranoid guy from the shuttle has somehow become his best friend; he's two and a half years into the program and he fails the Kobayashi Maru for the first time and all he can think of is how he has to be better than his father; he's three years into the program and he figures out the only way to beat the test is to change the parameters; he's standing in front of the entire student body and he didn't cheat, he _didn't,_ and the smug bastard with the pointed ears actually uses his father against him and he's never wanted to hit someone more._

_It appears our dislike of one another was entirely mutual_, Spock comments wryly.

_Yeah, well, you _were _a smug bastard_.

_And you were an arrogant cadet_. Pause. _I believe we have both changed_.

Once again, Kirk can't really argue._ Shall we continue?_

_He's on the _Enterprise_ and it's incredible; realising what the lightning storm means and hoping desperately that it's not too late; diving off a platform after Sulu because dammit he's not going to lose anyone else; watching as Spock appears on the transporter platform looking utterly broken. _

_He's waking up in a pod on Delta Vega; running away from giant monsters that want to eat him; meeting a much older Spock who acts like they're the best of friends. Transporting back to the Enterprise with Scotty and picking a fight with the younger Spock, deliberately trying to hurt him and hating himself for it. _

_He's standing in front of the entire student body again, only this time it's a much more pleasant experience, and he's captain of the _Enterprise _and in his wildest dreams he'd never imagined _this_. He's refusing to find a first officer because there's only one person he'd ever want in that position, and then Spock appears on the bridge and requests permission to come aboard and he thinks he might actually burst with happiness._

_He's finding himself drawn more and more to the Vulcan and can't resist touching him; a hand on the shoulder, a tap on the arm, and Spock actually _lets_ him, he's slowly forming a friendship, he's looking down at Spock's unconscious body and realising that his feelings are much more complicated than he'd thought._

The memories finally reach the present, and Kirk can't resist the wave of joy and affection that flows through him.

He can feel Spock pulling out of his mind, and is struck by a kind of loneliness. It's a shock to see the real world come back; his cabin seems so _ordinary_ after what they've just experienced. Spock removes his fingers from Kirk's face, and Kirk immediately reaches for the faint link in the back of his mind. He prods at it and blinks as Spock pokes back. "I can feel you," he says in awe, and grins.

"This is going to be _awesome_."

Kirk insists that they spend the rest of the evening testing the limits of the link. He discovers that unless he concentrates _really _hard, he can only hear Spock's thoughts if they're actually touching. The emotions, however, come through loud and clear. It makes him wonder how much more intimate a full bond would be – though neither of them are ready for that.

As part of their experiments, Spock insists on teaching Kirk how to shield his mind. They sit down cross-legged on the floor and Spock takes him through some of the easiest exercises. The news that the ones they're currently working on are taught to Vulcans at the age of about seven doesn't exactly do wonders for his ego, especially since he finds them almost impossible.

He hadn't realised that Spock _wasn't_ shielding until he demonstrates it, and suddenly it's as though they're not linked at all. Kirk is surprised at how quickly he's gotten used to Spock's presence in the back of his mind; it feels strange not to feel it. He can't help the rush of relief when Spock stops shielding and the awareness comes flooding back.

Kirk is shocked when he checks the time and realises how late it is. "I guess we'd better say goodnight," he says. He stands up and attempts to massage the pins and needles out of his legs, observing with annoyance that Spock doesn't seem to be in any discomfort at all as he rises gracefully to his feet.

Kirk straightens up and holds out a hand. Spock entwines their fingers, then steps forward and brushes their lips together. When he steps back, his eyes are warm. "Goodnight," he murmurs softly.

"Night," Kirk replies, slightly stunned. He watches as Spock leaves, and then sits down on the bed with a groan, wondering how long he's going to be able to bear this celibacy thing. Only the faint presence of Spock in the back of his mind consoles him. "I made my choice," he mutters to himself. "No going back."


	9. Epilogue

Just so you know, I'm planning on writing a sequel to this at some point, but it'll likely be a while - I've been working on this fic since _November_. There's a _reason_ I generally stick to oneshots. :)

**Epilogue**

Jim stands on the bridge of the _Enterprise_. His counterpart had asked if there was anything he could do for Jim as a sort of 'thank you', and this was the only thing he could think of. "I never thought I'd be here again," he says, glancing up at Spock.

"I am gratified that you are," Spock replies warmly, and Jim gently brushes their fingers together.

He turns back to survey the bridge crew; he and Spock watch for a few moments as the younger versions of themselves and their friends go about their duties. "It's strange. Everything's so different, and yet so similar."

"It is a fascinating experiment into the relative roles of nature and nurture," Spock responds, and Jim grins. _Ever the scientist_.

"Y'know," he remarks, "you once told me it was my destiny to be captain of the _Enterprise_. I guess you were right."

_And it is my destiny to be at your side._

They both watch their counterparts interact for a moment, continuing the conversation via telepathy. _Do you think they'll be okay?_

_I would like to believe so. I don't think their path will be an easy one._

_Harder than ours?_

Different_ from ours. They are different people._

Jim watches as Kirk's hand rests on the younger Spock's shoulder for just a fraction too long. _Not that different._

_Do you envy them?_

The question is unexpected, and Jim has to think about it. _Sometimes I wish we'd figured it out earlier, but no. I don't envy them._ Their counterparts may have got there a lot faster than he and Spock had, but they have already run into trouble because of it.

Spock seems satisfied with that answer. _We will arrive at Babel in approximately 1.87 hours._

Jim watches as he rubs absently at his temple. _Are you all right?_

_You worry too much, Jim. It is merely a slight headache. _He can feel Spock's annoyance and affection. _You would know if there was anything seriously wrong._

_You can't tell me that if it'd been me, you wouldn't have been just as worried._

As he'd thought, Spock has no answer to that. Jim can remember times when it _had_ been him, and, in his opinion, Spock had been much more worried and protective.

"I must gather my belongings," Spock says out loud. "You are welcome to stay here."

Jim considers it for a moment. "I think I will. I'll come down in a little while." As Spock turns, Jim grabs his arm. "Try to stay out of trouble."

His bondmate's eyes light up with amusement. "I believe that is usually my line."

Jim watches him leave, then turns back to the viewscreen, letting the familiar sight wash over him. He stands there for a long while before it occurs to him that if he wants to speak with his counterpart alone, now is the perfect time.

He steps down to stand next to the captain's chair. Kirk looks up at him expectantly. "Can we talk?" Jim asks.

Kirk looks surprised. "Yeah, sure." He stands. "Spock, you have the conn. I'll be back shortly."

The younger Spock looks up. "Understood, Captain." Jim notices the same undercurrent to the word 'Captain' as his own Spock had used.

In the turbolift, Kirk turns to him with interest. Jim takes a deep breath, and begins to speak quickly.

"Right. Don't tell Spock, but there are two things I need you to know. Number one: don't let Sam go to Deneva." He holds up a hand as Kirk begins to speak. "I can't tell you why, just keep him away from there. And number two; if you ever meet a man called Khan, lock the bastard up and throw away the key." Jim's hands clench involuntarily into fists. He is aware that he shouldn't be doing this, had _promised_ that he wouldn't, but he can't bring himself to care. Those two situations had robbed him of the people closest to him, and he cannot, _will _not, watch as it happens again. "Promise me."

Kirk looks slightly confused. "Okay; if it's that important."

Job done, Jim relaxes. "That's all I wanted to say." He smiles. "Well, that, and good luck."

His counterpart smiles back. "Thanks." He sighs. "I might need it."

The turbolift doors open and Jim claps him on the shoulder as he steps out. "You'll figure it out." He turns and raises a hand as the doors close again, then heads down the corridor to find Spock.

- - - - - -

They arrive at Babel a little over one-and-a-half hours later. Jim and Spock walk down to the transporter room together, and Jim hopes that he'll have a chance to visit this _Enterprise_ again someday. It isn't his ship anymore, but it's still the _Enterprise_.

Their younger selves have come down to see them off. Jim watches as they exchange glances.

Kirk steps forward. "We wanted to thank you."

Jim grins. "Happy to help." He holds out a hand. "Take good care of her," he says warmly, letting his gaze wander around the room.

"I will," Kirk promises, and Jim recognises the shine in his eyes as they shake hands.

They turn to see the two Spocks exchanging Vulcan salutes. "It won't always be easy," Jim says quietly. He loves Spock, but there are times when he could have cheerfully strangled the man. "But you have my word that it'll always be worth it."

Kirk nods.

Jim and Spock take their places on the transporter platform, and the last thing Jim sees as they dissolve into particles of light is their counterparts touching fingers in a Vulcan kiss.


End file.
